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John: You know, straight men can go deaf, but gay men go deft! This is what I call profound deftness in the adult homo. The level of coordination here is simply… not … of… this … fucking world. I mean, either that chair … and that sofa …and, dear God, that rug too … are all woven out of chest hair, or Leatherguy’s chest hair is made of crushed velvet.
Curtis: Well, it matches the sofa perfectly, you know — and it’s totally handy that his dark, splotchy, beige, velour love throne has wheels, don’t you think? If I need to vacuum I can just trolley my dungeon master aside for a moment and suck up any errant gummy bears, pretzels, or whatever. The only problem lies in what happens when you add the inevitable cat hair. Never mix cat hair and a blow job. Also, what does it mean when you have a racing stripe down your pleather Speed-o?
Richard: JONATHAN ADLER: All right, contestants: the judges and I have discussed each of your rooms, and now we’d like to ask you some questions. Mr. Steve, let’s start with you. Kelly, would you like the honors?
KELLY WEARSTLER: Well, I’m not sure about your palette here, Mr. Steve, but I like what you’re doing with textures. You’ve got a wool rug, a velour sectional, and what’s that on the wall?
MR. STEVE: Clam dip.
KELLY WEARSTLER: Genius. And of course the chest fur.
MARGARET RUSSELL: Too little of it, I think. If you’re going to try to pull off “Policeman Leather Bear”, you need much, much more. Did you consider choosing a different fur? Maybe baby seal? Or “fun fur”? Something to really make the room “pop”?
MR. STEVE: Actually –
SPECIAL GUEST DESIGNER, THE GHOST OF MICHEL FOUCAULT: Excusez-moi mesdames, but we asked these designers to create a sex dungeon, n’est-ce pas? What kind of sex dungeon has such fabrics? How can you expect to clean Astroglide from such a sectional? And your rug! Even Scotch Guarded — please dit-moi that you would never do such a thing! — it would last maybe a week. Non, absolument non! And why should you place the armchair in the middle of the room? In reverse cowgirl, I could see nothing of my fellow orgiastes on the sofa!
JONATHAN ADLER: But you have to admit, Michel, the leather is a nice touch — and an additional bit of texture.
SPECIAL GUEST DESIGNER, THE GHOST OF MICHEL FOUCAULT: Mes amis, perhaps none of you have experienced the joys of being penetrated by a Tanzanian ironsmith over a bed of glowing embers.
KELLY WEARSTLER: I have.
SPECIAL GUEST DESIGNER, THE GHOST OF MICHEL FOUCAULT: But there is a Querelle sort of quality to such men that this girlyman action figure does not possess. Mon dieu! He has had the Brazilian wax!
JONATHAN ADLER: All right, moving on to Construction Worker Carl
File Under:Living Room Wreckage
7 Responses to 'If Top Design did Lurid Digs You’d Have…'
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David K. publishes Nightcharm, the only gay porn site ever to be featured on Oprah and regularly compared to Martha Stewart Living.
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Richard writes the infamous queer blog Sturtle.com . His turn-ons include wainscoting, ZZ Top, and sharp-dressed men. Turn-offs: sectionals, pleated trousers, and pina coladas.
Steve is a lost sort of man who zones out, easily, into the foreheads of strangers. He keeps a blog of his drawings here.
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My question for Michel: What are his opinions on the micro-physics of micro-fibers?
This isn’t a leather daddy. This is a big homo wearing a costume. Real leather and BDSM fetishists take their accoutrements far more seriously than this.
I know enough about design to know that that rug doesn’t go with that furniture set. No, the correct floor covering would be a wall-to-wall deep-pile shag, preferably in a patchy burnt orange.
I wonder how much loose cocaine is buried in the crevices of that chair?
Bah! Michel has nothing to say about micro-physics–unless we wish to discuss voyeurism and perhaps the watching of microphysicists as they engage in sexual acts. Then, he would have much, much to say.
Well at least we all now know what happened to Mr. Snuffleuppagus. Big bird was saved, only due to the fact, a yellow feather boa would not have gone with that outfit.
Does John mean daft? Or is he being ironic?
I agree about the costume. Real leathermen don’t wear studded armbands on BOTH arms - it’s either one or the other and we all know which side means what! This guy was trying way to hard, the outfit much too coordinated and the racing stripes, well, I think they are actually pieces of duct tape he slapped on to complete the “look” of the ensemble!
As for the decor, no comment except to say that it had better be Scotchguarded.
I know this armchair’s not so raunchy, but it’s oh so soft, and leather madame’s tired ass needs something soft around it, from time to time - don’t make her sacrifice that.
LM’s facial pose says entranced, mesmerised or clearly zoned-out, after rohypnol frolics, was she left for dead? Normally preferring fluffy slippers around the lounge, but will pose in these boots for this come-hither photo, albeit with boots that have never been worn outside of the house, having been discount catalogue ordered, alongside some toys that are needed most days. No leather boys section of a gay pride march for her, nor sitting aside a greasy noisy bike.