Richard: Under normal circumstances, I could be content writing about the unrelenting beigeness of this interior, or perhaps the unearthly “hand toned” landscape dangling above the classy sleeper sofa, but I haven’t had my coffee this morning, and I’ve got post-Kung Pao indigestion, so I’m gonna go for the jugular and talk about the guy.
I’ll go out on a limb and guess that Romeo-in-Waiting here is a mathematician, or at least the kind of person who excelled at algebra. Which is not to say that I hold a deep-seated grudge against men who can solve for X, but let’s face it: they tend to be a little “left brain”.
It looks like Poindexter caught half an episode of Trading Spaces (which is all anyone should be exposed to, anyway) and ran straight to Sam’s to pick up grosses of votive candles, side tables, and ID lubricant. Which is fine, but whereas a right-brained geometry enthusiast would’ve arranged his new wares in a random pattern to interest the eye, this poor zhlub has chosen fearful, fearful symmetry. Still, we needn’t lavish him with all our pity — we ought to save some of it for his Manhunt blind date.
John: Thank you, Richard, for reminding us that the Beige Lifestyle is a choice; nobody is born that way. But I think Poindexter — for that surely must be his dream name, as Bezuzu was Linda Blair’s dream name in Exorcist II — I think he’s making an epic effort to break out and go gay.
It is not lost on me that he has coordinated the room to pick up the colors in that remarkable paint-by-the-numbers above his bed. I recognize it as Mountain Idly #267, and I suspect P did it, as I did mine, during art therapy at the rehab. It could have been worse. One girl in my class — like so many of us, another showkid in recovery — did the whole ballet series (#430 - 440) and now her bedroom is a pink-striped candy box, with lamps that look like they’re wearing tutus.
So kudos to Poindexter, for going nuts with the forest green bedsheets and matching under garment — alas, it’s too modest to be really called underwear. See that there is the problem: those swim trunks you’re wearing plus the lined-up candles plus the pull-out sofa bed — they’re all too psychically beige to be a true break with your tragic lifestyle.
One suspects that even after chatting up a man for hours online and then meeting him in a coffee shop to check out the goods and then driving him back in a fever to your den of beige sin, you still end up having profoundly anonymous sex — if mutual handjobs can still be called sex.
David K. publishes Nightcharm, the only gay porn site ever to be featured on Oprah and regularly compared to Martha Stewart Living.
John Calendo is the Executive Editor of Nightcharm, and a life-long Pop Critic @ Large. His work has appeared in Playboy, Blueboy and boy oh boy everything in between.
Shawn hails from New York and is a member of its young underclass, a little bit Ann Darrow, a little bit Travis Bickle.
Heather Corinna is the undisputed diva of online erotica for chicks. She publishes Scarleteen.com and is a sex guru to thousands of teenagers.
Richard writes the infamous queer blog Sturtle.com . His turn-ons include wainscoting, ZZ Top, and sharp-dressed men. Turn-offs: sectionals, pleated trousers, and pina coladas.
Steve is a lost sort of man who zones out, easily, into the foreheads of strangers. He keeps a blog of his drawings here.
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Oh Lord where do I start? I don’t know the technical term for that psychological disorder where you feel compelled to line everything up or put it at exact right angles, but just look at this room: the votive candles are arranged like airport landing strip lights, the side tables are exactly in line with the coffee table (at least I think that’s the coffee table, moved aside when he pulled out the sofabed)and even the lube bottles are organized. This guy has too much time on his hands, it takes a while to light all those candles. At least the lamp bases and paint-by-number picture add some color, but I bet if you used one of those “laser-level” tools on the picture frame it would be exactly parallel with the center of the earth. His legs and crotch form a perfect equilateral triangle: this is like a bad “picture problem” from junior high geometry class. In a sexual situation, I can imagine him whipping out a protractor (for those of you old enough to remember what that is!) to check the angle of curvature of, well, you know!
Hmmmm… What could he be watching if the remote control is on the coffee table. Well if you guys know the type of lube that is kudosto you, but it just might be bingo daubbers. As much as I do enjoy the soft glow of candles, this is excessive, considering the lights are on ruins the relaxed atmosFear. The side tables curved candle arrangement is a striking odd contast, along with the water bottle off center, to the almost obsessive slightly off lines of the coffee table display.
Its actually not that hard to light that many candles using a lighter or, just one of the candles to light the rest. No Biggie. The most disturbing aspect is the red glare of the eye, and very distant expression.
Another Motel 5 leisure tour.
Oh, shit!
I swear, he looks like my college roommate. Darryl? Is that you?
(If it is, he’s a Capricorn, and they tend to be somewhat organized.
PS - Regarding the disorder Jordan speaks of:
Paging Dr. Freud……..
Obsessions Concerning Order.
This will result in:
* Wanting things to be Symmetrical.
* Ordering everything around them.
* Wanting things to be “perfect”, exact.
* Seeking that feeling of “Just Right”.
* Preoccupation with aligning items such as papers, books in a certain “perfect” way.
Compulsions about having things to be “Just Right”.
* The need for symmetry and total order around them.
Meaning a person will for instance have their cans placed neatly and in alphabetical order, will have a specific spot for things, will align magazines in perfectly ordered way.
* The need to repeat doing an action until it feels “Just Right”. This can be any action.
twooo… grecian urns!
um god only knows what could be in that little wicker basket on the table. Is that an iPod or a cell phone being charged on the opposite end table?
At least the shorts match the color of the velour duvet that is draped oh-so haphazardly over the hideaway bed.
He does look tidy but it makes me wonder if those towels that are peeking up from behind the sofa’s cushions are meant to be hidden or of he is just letting those on manhunt know that he is extremely messy when having sex. Like for instance, is he going to use ALL that lube?
Michael,
The “wicker basket” is actually a coaster cozy for wicker coasters. No shit. First-class WalMart.
I think that this might be the “social” room of our Romeo’s, er, make that Juliet’s apartment house. The grey-beige vinyl wallpaper. Disturbingly colorful yet bland painting. Matching 3 piece table set. I have to say it was an odd choice for the owners to purchase a sleeper sofa…however, once our subject found out it was a sleeper….boy the parties he scheduled.
How else can you explain that much lube Juliet? Oh - maybe once bottle was JUST about empty - and he didn’t want to have to go back up to the apartment????
You guys are missing all of the finer details of this guy’s love nest.
Notice, not one but TWO cum rags resting patiently on the back of the sofa bed. One for him & one for his guest! Shows great consideration, not all tricks think ahead like that. And TWO bottles of lube to his left on the night stand. The guy really is kind. Also, on the matching ‘coffee table’…in the corner on what looks like a blue CD, there seems to be either a joint or a line of blow waiting. But it really is dangerous keeping the remote on the other side of THIRTY votives. I smell burnt arm hairs.
The Demon’s name is spelled ‘Pazuzu’. Gotta stay on the … er … good side of these malefic entities.