Steve: Mr. Martin Mills knew that his new master bedroom would need to be so much more of a special, personal shrine than the synthetic wooden panel and painted cinder block assemblages of the uninspiring rented spaces from less prosperous years.
A lifetime of saving, and a lucky investment in U-Bake dildo kits, provided the necessary funding for the kind of opulence that only the super-medium-rich dream of.
A professional sponge-paint artisan was brought in to delicately apply a subtle patina of orange and umber to the once-stark honey brown walls.
Matching designer hotel lamps were purchased at nearly full price to frame and honor the sacred bed space.
Nearing completion, the room was personalized with framed holograms of popular battle scenes from the Franco-Prussian War, and a fashion throw featuring four distinct thread colors to depict the stylized image of a majestic white Persian.
The final touch was an acrylic mural of the proud home-owner — as he appeared before Thanksgiving. Wise to cost and benefit ratios, Mr. Mills used immigrant labor to fill the lines with a realistic peachy rose hue, reserving the bulk of his $250 for Houston-based erotic artist Selene, who spent over three days with a broad-tipped Sharpie to bring the rendering to life.
File Under:Bedroom Terrors
22 Responses to 'Mr. Mills’ Bedroom Dream — Dildos Hath Wrought'
Leave a Reply
David K. publishes Nightcharm, the only gay porn site ever to be featured on Oprah and regularly compared to Martha Stewart Living.
John Calendo is the Executive Editor of Nightcharm, and a life-long Pop Critic @ Large. His work has appeared in Playboy, Blueboy and boy oh boy everything in between.
Shawn hails from New York and is a member of its young underclass, a little bit Ann Darrow, a little bit Travis Bickle.
Heather Corinna is the undisputed diva of online erotica for chicks. She publishes Scarleteen.com and is a sex guru to thousands of teenagers.
Richard writes the infamous queer blog Sturtle.com . His turn-ons include wainscoting, ZZ Top, and sharp-dressed men. Turn-offs: sectionals, pleated trousers, and pina coladas.
Steve is a lost sort of man who zones out, easily, into the foreheads of strangers. He keeps a blog of his drawings here.
- Bathroom Abominations
- Bedroom Terrors
- Beyond Horrifying
- Calvacade of Calamities
- Closet Catastrophes
- Curb Upheaval
- Dens From Hell
- Dining Room Don'ts
- Floral Attack
- For the hell of it
- Fucked Up Foyers
- Haunted Hallways
- Kitchen Kitsch
- Living Room Wreckage
- Loopy Lighting
- Must Haves
- Something Different
- Suffocating Sofas
- Violations of Space
- July 2008
- June 2008
- May 2008
- April 2008
- March 2008
- February 2008
- January 2008
- December 2007
- November 2007
- October 2007
- September 2007
- August 2007
- July 2007
- June 2007
- May 2007
- April 2007
- March 2007
- February 2007
- Jake Cruise
- MALEFLIX
- Military Classified
- Men at Play
- Sean Cody
- Bi Curious
- Three Pillows
- Boy's First Time
- Nightcharm: Naked Men & Gay Porn Fun
- Dainty Bastard
- G Day
- Gay Sex Magic eCards
- Gideonse Bible
- He Said He Did
- It’s Not You, It’s Me
- Lord Arthur
- Mean Dirty Pirate
- My Cat Threw Up on my Ferragamos
- Put ‘em All on an Island
- Queer Bites
- STARFUCKER
- Wayne’s Nude Musicians
- Yuppie Punk
© 2008 Nightcharm Inc. All rights reserved. No portion of this site may be reproduced without the writen permission of the owner.
um…is the cat real?
Is the person rendered on the wall supposed to be him? The painted guy looks to weigh at least 50 pounds less and the painted cock is ten times larger than the real one.
And I don’t even want to know where the flamingo has been….
WTF….dildo selection at the foot of the bed - stuffed toy selection on the night-stand. Go with one or the other.
This is what you get when a guy comes verrrrry close to “almost” being tasteful. But like being “almost pregnant”, there’s no such thing. This master suite is downright….LURID!
And the image of that creepy looking (is that thing stuffed or real) cat (that screams ‘kinda-but-not-quite’ femme) is now permanently burned into my brain.
Oh, that mural………
Sort of like Caravaggio on crack. Lots of crack.
just when you think you have seen just about everything…..! oh my?
I have tried to painfully study this eye sore and my eye was immediately drawn to the carpet, or the “bad acid trip” as I like to call it. This room is so dark and disturbing that it makes me think that this is what satan’s bedroom looks like.
I, for one, am most curious of the pink lawn flamingo in he right corner by the closet.
I don’t want to say too much, but those lawn flamingos feel really good if you use them properly.
However much I stare, I just can’t get past that damn trompe l’oeil cat.
someone has mastered the glow effect in photoshop… along with cut and paste… creative placement of the cat afghan…
Even in the fussy, obsessive world of boudoir photography, this goes a shade too far. It’s so put together, so planned: it’s like a David LaChapelle set, but without the wit and irony and french fries. Ordinarily I laugh at these shots, try to devise a narrative to justify them, but honestly, I’m out of my league here. All I know is that it’s very, very wrong.
Also: I’m pretty sure that cat is dead, and that Mr. Showoff here had the throw blanket made from its pelt.
Also also: please please please tell me those are wee aquariums installed on either side of the bed, and that Mr. Whatsit thinks it romantic to gaze up at the seahorses while he’s taking on his vintage Kris Lord monsterdong.
Welcome to Mr Blofeld’s chamber of horrors! Creepy!
I’m going to guess that he is a late bloomer and in a previous life he was a kind of ‘Sam the Butcher’ if he married Alice and had three children. He has spent so much of his life with a soft and cuddly, asexual persona and now he is free to explode like a sex bomb. Several decades of repressed homosexual desire can lead to a man thinking that to be gay is to proudly display your dildo collection on your hope chest. I have seen the apartments of men like this and I can only assume that he is out of lube because, otherwise, there would be a 2 litre pump bottle of Wet next to a box of tissues on the nightstand. Oh shit, nevermind, there it is.
Has anyone noticed the HUGE black dildo on the left nightstand, lurking in the shadows? That piece in and of itself is frightening. The mirrored closet doesn’t help either because no matter where you look you are still in that room. There is no escape. Yup this is hell. And he is your master of ceremonies, Paul Lynde.
And the image of that creepy looking (is that thing stuffed or real) cat (that screams ‘kinda-but-not-quite’ femme)
Er…. homo say what?
It’s a freakin’ Jacquard-loom tapestry blanket with a big-eyed fluffy Persian cat.
Fred Schneider from the B-52s is more macho than that blanket.
How nice for the muralist to give the guys an extra eight inches.
He must’ve paid extra for that.
That 4th dildo looks radioactive.
Upon first glance, I thought this was just some Persian club owner’s sex den, but as I read Steve’s genius commentary, I suddenly noticed the kitty throw.
It seemed to appear before me like headlights of an oncoming Christian Book Mobile through a balmy, suburban fog - at which point, I was rendered helpless from uncontrollable laughter, and yes, a little bit of pee.
Wait. I just realized the dildos are spot-lit.
I take it back, this man is a genius.
Still this is something the likes of which even David Lynch would be afraid of… damn. That’s almost enough for me to want to stay single… can you imagine meeting someone, hitting it off, having a great ol’ time… and then being taken home to THAT?
did nobody else immediately think of the buddha..?
I couldn’t help myself, I had to bring this up in photoshop and see into the dark corners of that room. With histogram adjusted its…its… well instead of not being able to tear my eyes away from the car wreck now I can see those lumps on the road are internal organs.
The huge monster penis in the back left corner is, my friends, not black but purple. Nicely matching the purple drape to the left under the persian in the afghan, as well as the purple velvet blanket spread under the afghan on the bed. As a final, but perfect touch, it matches as well the wee peep of purple pillow behind his back.
Next we come to the fact there is not one flamingo, but two. The second being made of white wire against the wall, behind the pink one. Hidden in the right lower corner we have the gental touch of nature in the form on a bonsai tree. Above this all slowly circles a giant ceiling fan with monster fake leaf blades.
Its all in the details *shudder*