Shawn: This is damned to faint praise. Sure, our guy knows his strengths and wisely foregrounds his girded haunches and well-developed calves, but face-free nakedness always beg the question whether it’s a less-than-photogenic mug or an innate shame that calls for anonymity.
And just as it’s possible to be technically hot but not especially exciting — sort of like the interchangeable Van Patten or Van Dyke sons or softcore porn — brand name-heavy vacuousness can neutralize everything in sight.
His domicile is marked by the very same middle-of-the-road, risk-free ambience that characterizes his handbook nudie shot, as if the entire place were mainlined from Pottery Barn. That’s got to be the company catalog resting on his subdued navy upholstery and I’m thinking it’s either the Sumatra Media Cabinet or the Tanner Nesting Tables that are driving him to such flank-bearing delirium, especially since he already has the faux-craftsman Raleigh Coffee Table and matching Mica Lamp.
It’s a given that there’s constant smooth jazz and/or world music piped in, plus the entire series of Murder, She Wrote (The Golden Girls are just too tarty and floral-inclined) waiting in his Netflix queue, all for the sake of maintaining the hypnotically tranquil jejuneness of it all. Only the conspicuous 8 x 10 of a beaming Eisenhower Era moppet reveals the subtextual seething rage and self-loathing that compel their sufferers to seek out this very oppressive prosaicness that ultimately crushes the already broken inner child within.
Maybe this is none other than Steve Guttenberg — the embodiment of the built-but-bland guy you’d nail but feel empty inside not only after, but during — squat thrusting for his upcoming run on Dancing With The Stars. Or could it be one of the earnestly zoned-out Romney Brothers biting down on that glaucous throw pillow as he simultaneously weeps and pants about what a dirty boy he is deep, deep down inside.
Yes, we know it’s you Tab or Dart … or Flash …
David K. publishes Nightcharm, the only gay porn site ever to be featured on Oprah and regularly compared to Martha Stewart Living.
John Calendo is the Executive Editor of Nightcharm, and a life-long Pop Critic @ Large. His work has appeared in Playboy, Blueboy and boy oh boy everything in between.
Shawn hails from New York and is a member of its young underclass, a little bit Ann Darrow, a little bit Travis Bickle.
Heather Corinna is the undisputed diva of online erotica for chicks. She publishes Scarleteen.com and is a sex guru to thousands of teenagers.
Richard writes the infamous queer blog Sturtle.com . His turn-ons include wainscoting, ZZ Top, and sharp-dressed men. Turn-offs: sectionals, pleated trousers, and pina coladas.
Steve is a lost sort of man who zones out, easily, into the foreheads of strangers. He keeps a blog of his drawings here.
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yeah this guy’s a closet HGTV fan.
Ummm…I’d happily eat and hit that!
This is absolutely priceless!
The “Leave It To Beaver” pic just brings it all together for me.
We see pretty much every asset of the “here and now” subject except the face. The picture provides that.
Just wonderful.
And for the record, I’d eat that with ice cream.
In Germany we have the same word for cheeks and buttocks: ‘Backen’ - so to me it is deeply hilarious how both boys grin widely with their Backen.
I wonder what he’s reading while the timer on the camera hits zero?
My guess he’s reading the tag on the sofa that says, “Do not remove under penalty of law” but just like the rest of you whores, I would eat that with a spoon and pray for lockjaw!!!!!!
Those legs……..my goodness!!! Love every minute of it. That ass is way too fine for me to leave some bitchy comment. Maybe next time.
Damn, so that’s where my childhood photo went! I knew that hustler took it. And girls, it’s every bit as good as you’re thinking. Better!
Yeah, I’d tag it…for a second, I’d forgotten that this was Lurid Digs and that I was supposed to focusing on other things in the photo. This guy has some great legs and a pretty nice ass, too.
Did no one notice the varicose veins and black socks? This is no tasty treat but instead a buffet filled with hemorrhoid creme and ben-gay. and why dear god is that child’s picture smiling!!!!
Tim…..
I don’t believe those are varicose veins. I think he has really nice, butch, veiny legs from doing awesome squat-lifts. (That’s my fantasy and I’m stickin’ to it! )
Now, I did not see the socks until you mentioned them. Suffice to say my attention was a little higher up in the image.
A no-no, but forgivable.
I believe those are boots not socks. The house is way too cramped for me. If this is the only place where he could get into that position I am afraid I would be experiencing claustrophobia long before I had a chance to tag that… and yes, btw in a different location I would be happily going to town on one of my favorite albeit rarely experienced pastimes… mmm
As far as the face goes, the only position we would be able to see a face in this cramped quarter is upside down and we all know that upside down faces tend to be beet red with veins throbbing, and an odd expression plastered across them… much like, “Oh my God! I think I am going to have an aneurism!”
The tree seen from the window is the only thing convincing me that this room is not the interior of a small yacht.
Doesn’t everyone read TV Guide in that position? Maybe it’s just me…
i’d plow him while we watched HGTV.
I dated this dude for a few months in 2001. We played alot of Scrabble and took his Lorazipan on Sunday afternoons to combat hangover discomfort. His hobbies were mainly cooking and gentrification. He was in love with his straight best friend. He suddenly stopped returning my calls and I finally found out, 4 years later, it was because I didn’t bring my own detergent when he invited me to do my laundry at his house one weekend. True story.
C’mon guys, he’s just looking for loose change under the cushions!
Is that photo in the background widely produced? If not, then that’s my old landlord or his BF in the photo. They were such douche bags.