Richard:“Hello there! Welcome to Eastabuchie Falls and the Holiday Tour of Homes! I am your host, Mr. Clyde Teasdale. We will begin this segment of the tour in my own bedroom. I call this room the “Babar Room”, which is funny, because it sounds a little like “bedroom” if you slur! Or if you’re drunk! But really I call it the “Babar Room” because it is where I house my collection of elephants. Don’t worry, they aren’t real! Mostly they’re stuffed. There are some bears here, too, because I couldn’t fit any more in the “Bear Room”–which also sounds like “bedroom”, even though it’s actually a toilet! I recently installed a life-sized human bear sculpture made of butter next to the bear rug by the bed. I’ve fitted him with those blue things–what do you call them? caraway? carabiners?–so I can hang more bears from his teats. And frilly bear panties! I’m whimsical! (I apologize for the pig on the dresser, though. Conception must have left it here while cleaning the “Babe Room”. She hates that room so much.)”

Richard: In art school, sensitive boys like Dale learned that symmetry is a bad thing. That symmetry dulls the eye and doesn’t hold the viewer’s attention. That asymmetry is where it’s at, man. Now an interior designer/performance artist, Dale has taken these lessons to heart. As you can see here, Dale has taken his room in the Junction City Design Home and turned it into a paradise that any blind grandmother would love. The surfboard; the mismatched upholstery; the giant container of insect repellent or possibly cheese looming on the coffee table: without them, you would hardly notice the oppressive beigeness of the room. And if you look closely, you might be able to see Dale himself in performance, striking a thoroughly symmetrical pose. See how your eye goes right by him and rests on the oversized fan from World Bazaar? It’s like design magic!

Steve: Woodland charm, the grace and beauty of the Orient, and an expansive holiday-themed teddy bear collection form this stunning display of confidence, which is only further accentuated by the rare and respected art of leather daddy Christmas portraiture (look for it, look for it, you found it). This is a complete success.

As a personal side-note, I found that exact same table turned on it’s side in the alley behind my apartment complex a few weeks ago, and I’ve been using it ever since. I can attest that it is very sturdy.