Steve: Wait, hold on, I’m still working on this, but I was thinking… What if I put… No, we’ve got the bicycle and two vacuum cleaners. I was thinking we could kick this over into sexy if I’d just… It’s the lamp, isn’t it? Is that distracting you? I never knew quite what to do with those pillows from the estate sale. Are they stealing too much focus? I know I can still make this work.
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Are those vacuum cleaners? I thought it was exercise equipment. And those lamp stands look like bowling trophy awards or something. This room lacks color for sure. But the thing that really confuses me is his pose! Seriously. WTF! I like the “BearFord” watermark on his wall. Very clever!
Dash’s Helpful Fashion Hints:
You bag does not have to match your shoes. Nor does your colostomy bag.
But BOTH should be emptied out, on occasion.
The face is a bit alarming but the man’s ass-leg-sneaker-sox action isn’t all that bad.
It is a shame that he aired out all his dirty laundry to us. Which implies that he’s broke.
Pity.
Dear Digs, Shouldn’t you have waited until he straightened up a bit? A man needs a few minutes after arriving home from nude biking to get things ready for a photo session.
With that in mind, let me state that no one is ever too old to update. Get rid of the pillows, end table and lamp. He needs something to ground the room. Perhaps a rug. I think he has the bare bones of a good design.
I don’t know about curtains matching the carpet, but at least the end table matches the tile design!
Oh, wait, not really…..
First, I am certain that we’re looking at the handles from a fold-away treadmill. (I hope so, cuz….well, he could certainly benefit from it, as could I)
Second…..we’ve already discerned that it looks like he’s crapped that bag out of his ass. What a delightful image.
Third, I agree with the question, “what happened a few seconds later”, after he straightened up. I hope he bitch-slapped the photographer.
Utterly bewildering… Remember the sound Dorothy made when the house finally fell out of the sky and landed in Oz? What the f@*k is going on here? And furthermore, get that damn bike off my white carpet!!!
I’m agree with Nashbear about the extremely regrettable end table and lamp. Everything in this shot is working if one looks from right to left. Our protagonist’s mid life crisis “anything goes” trip to Vegas did not work out well. He lost his car for sure (hence the bike) and possibly even his house (hence the dreary basement apartment). But that goddamn HIDEOUS side table and lamp brings this story to a abrupt crashing halt. Put the table and the lamp out on the curb. Don’t worry no one will pick them up except for the trash men.
victor simole was dismayed but not surprised to discover that his dry cleaning was neither.
hmm, is he trying to get the bag into his rear end? or is it coming out? i’m a but confused :p
I know a room needs texture, but those pillows are too much. I will not comment on the texture of his butt.
That lamp is absolutely atrocious; no decor in the world could salvage it. And tile flooring – even tile flooring which is partially obscured by a carpet remnant – is ONLY appropriate in the mud room or the bath (although this dude looks like the type who might be baffled by such a distinction). But the worst offense here is unquestionably the sofa’s pillow set, perhaps the limpest, saddest, most half-hearted attempt at decorating I’ve ever had the misfortune to witness. (They look like they were made by a Vegas Brownie troupe out of leftover costume fabric and old magazines!)
BTW, I just hope that his laundry is on it’s way TO the laundromat and not on its way BACK – otherwise he’s just gonna have to wash it all over again. Ick.
Jimbo…..
You obviously don’t live in the southwest. Tile flooring is pretty much standard. And done nicely, at least out here.
But this guy’s particular pattern……..icky-poo.
Nashbear, Luddite, Gary and Jimbo,
are you all insane? You look at this nightmare in beige and pick on the lamp and pillows? The only problem with those ornamental details is that they’ve landed in an unsalvageable environment. It’s the white vs. off-white interior that needs to go.
I’m not saying I love clunky lamps and ostentatious throw pillows, but I admire their effort to save what is otherwise a bland furniture showroom in a 1987 Sears, which appears to be right at the edge of the sporting goods and novelty items departments.
Dash on the other hand,
your fashion advice is perfect. You might add that the mall is not clothing optional.
Rearwindow-Yes, I know the white blandness of this room is egregious. It is only appropriate for the decor of the space station in 2001. But it so fades away into nothingness that the only thing your eyes see are the splashes of color against this most neutral of backgrounds. Upon my first viewing of this photo the only thing I saw were the pillows and endtable. (I guess I am so jaded the guy’s ass was fifth, after the pillows, endtable, bike and laundry bag.) If the pillows were larger, and a richer color, the balance would be better. Also, the curtains need to be in the same color scheme as the pillows and endtable to lead the eye around the room. And don’t get me started on the white sofa; a medium shade of grey, please.
The tile floor could be because he’s in a warm climate, where tile floors are standard. But the white/beige rugs show a lack of judgement; you know they get filthy if you do so much as look at them. And why the hell is he parking his bike in front of the couch? It’s possible the place is so tiny that it’s the only spot for it, which is disconcerting.
The end table and lamp probably started off as standard motel issue and then were picked up at a thrift shop. Same with the pillows. A white sofa is bad. Give it a slipcover.
Now, about that laundry bag…is he taking a dump in it? Does he make a ritual of straddling the arm of his dismal white sofa to take a dump in his Las Vegas laundry bag? While wearing his hat and socks and sneakers, and with his bike and vacuum cleaner/treadmill/torture device nearby? This picture indicates either a bizarre ceremony or just a weird random assortment of crap thrown together. It’s almost like a live-action collage, and instead of elevating the naked guy, he’s just another part of the jumble. What’s missing is a dead fish on the carpet and a blender embedded in the wall. Maybe those were cropped out?
who would’ve thought that mediterranean industrial would be such a tough look to pull off? he’d be closer if he hung the bike on the wall behind the sofa, took the burgundy chenille throw out of the laundry bag, and put the treadclimber by the door as a coatrack.
and mama don’t you dare try to get out of this bag again!
From the looks of his sweat, one can assume the temperature in his apartment is a humid 93ºF. That being said, why on earth would he need such a huge Ball-Cozy to keep his over-sized taesta-claeys warm??
Correct me if I am mistaken…. But I thought hexagon side tables were outlawed in 1990. The lamp at least has a chance at the Goodwill-As-Is.
The rest…. Well, there just isn’t enough space here to sum up all that is wrong…
Title Me: Gay Man At the Nudist Time Share
His fallacy is that the unit doesn’t have a washer/dryer! He is SO not use to tricks arriving on-time and also is overly anal about cleaning prior to play.
The damage is this photo and the slip cover to the couch is obviously in the bag.
Oh well, let’s just bend over and make the best of this – OK?
Nashbear, honey, good bones are for the gym, the hippies or 14-year-old girls. I simply must agree, however, that with a skosh of sprucing, my stepdad’s timeshare in Panama City might hit the market in a more palatable state. He’ll def be gone soon, but with my slim chances of inheriting this nightmare, I’ll likely survive the initial consultation. My one shot at salvation: an amorphous, Gehry-like, brass conundrum in lieu of the not-quite-retro-hot sidetable.
I continually admonish my mother about her workload, as well. She’s nearly an octogenarian, but that girl loves her laundry.
Mommy, I’m frightened.
“Everything is working?” Are we looking at the same picture?
Does that include the white, patriotic trucker cap? And while we’re on the subject…
This gentleman’s ass crack is dangerously close to A LOT of really light, however boring, colored fabric.
Hopefully his personal hygiene takes a higher priority than his laundry cuz depending on what this guy had for lunch, there’s a distinct possibility of randomly jazzing up some of that upholstery with shades of tan and brown you ain’t gonna find at Ethan Allen.
…..short of their restroom.
Thinking about how Mr. Beigeland here was using this photo to entice potential lovers fills me with existential despair.
Oh my. Who knew that Jake Cruise rode a mountainbike, or exercised for that matter. That bike looks brand new, more like a staged prop. But kudos to him for accessorizing his look with the bike.
And it does appear that Las Vegas indeed has taken you to the cleaners.
What happens in Vegas needs to stay there. Look at the way the pillows are placed,this leads me to believe they’ve always been in this position since they were on the origional matching 70′s monstrosity that they came from.Thank God its gone but replaced with white?? Not the best color for a guy who doesn’t wear pants( under or otherwise ).Nothing says “Welcome!” like skid marks on the sofa. And the endtables look like they came from the Green Stamp store with assembly required.As for the “tile”,I doubt it-looks like stick and peel to me.The best accessory in the whole damn place is the bike,which I hope he’s not on bare assed on a hot day.
Gotta laff… THAT side-table (ok, one that looked *exactly* like it) recently sold on 1stdibs for $800 as “mid-century original” lol… go figure…
How kinky! I’ve heard of hanging things from your balls but that laundray bag is ridiculous!
Oh, good Lord! Jerry Stiller has stumbled into a Laurel Canyon widow’s lonely home and is copulating with her late husband’s Goodwill-bound dress shirts! This is gonna take even more explaining from nervous NBC on DVD lawyers than fellow Seinfeld alum, Michael Richards’s, NWordGate.