Shawn: This is the Pit & The Pendulum interpreted bad trick-style; each element offers up more terrifying menace and promises no possibility of escape. The hyper-florid drapes are the sort I’d expect from some Park Avenue dowager, and combined with the almost plush-looking wall paint, it all just makes me want to pop a Claritin®. As for the couch it’s, frankly, fucking humongous, with the asymmetrical-on-tope pattern screaming Florida, “Grandma’s ranch home,” and “1986″ at high decibel. The lone saving grace: the curtain tiebacks, that, in the event of a violent home invasion, could double as ninja stars.
Anonymous: Interesting. An entire room designed around the smocks of Bea Arthur (may she rest in peace).
File Under:Living Room Wreckage | Suffocating Sofas
35 Responses to 'Grandma’s Ranch Home with Ninja Stars'
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Looks more like the seraglio inside a K-Mart magic lamp to me. Whatever you do, don’t rub it.
that room needs more light switches.
What kind of sponge paint job is on the wall. This place has acid trip all over it – except the person had no artistic sense to capture what he saw. It’s horrific in a don’t matchy-don’t matchy way. Even the piecing on his dick was an after-thought.
This place is a state of fuckery that it is unforgivable. [arson, anyone?]
Why in the name of Goddess is there a floor lamp behind the 15 foot long couch? The couch that looks like it was designed by Picasso while he was on a crystal meth binge.
“I saw it in the window and just couldn’t resist it.”
I can’t tell whether that’s a faux-velvet paint treatment or if the walls are actually sweating. Given that our homeowner bears a curious resemblance to a honey-baked ham from the neck up, I’m thinking the latter may, in fact, be the case. Whatever else that multitude of electrical switches control, obviously an a/c unit isn’t part of the package. Even the drapes are looking a little limp. They also look a bit like ill-used drop cloth, as does whatever it is he has covering the back of that over-stuffed sofa. And I’d question how much usable light could be shed by a dwarf floor lamp that’s virtually hiding behind that big monstrosity. (Not that I blame it, mind you.)
I’m guessing he’s busy praying for either good taste or a break in the weather. Both would clearly be a Godsend here.
Cacophony. That’s the only word to describe this mess: cacophony. How he can adopt that zenlike pose in the midst of all that is beyond me. The couch and drapes conflict enough with each other, and both conflict with that hideous wall treatment. Plus the photo seems more interested in showing off the cacophony rather than the…er…central attraction, such as it may be. I’ll stay home, thanks.
I am so hoping that there really is such a thing as an ass cozy.
Trying to match ones skin tone to your window treatments is never a good idea.
That or he accidentally walked into a spray tanning salon in full cloths with only his head and hands exposed.
I am thinking this process of creation here is not finished. As super busy as this room is. That strange velveteen, sponge painted, whatever colour that is wall to the right just doesn’t match any of the colours in the that oversized couch, or the those curtains no matter how hard I squint.
The strangest thing of all though, if you look at the portraits chest hair and that roll above the pubes, you can see a frowny face, or something that looks very close to the Easter Island Monoliths.
I think that is carpet on the wall – OMG
i don’t know which cries out more for a clear vinyl slipcover– the couch, or the guy on it.
With all the mishigas going on in this room, my focus is super-glued to that lamp. Was it purchased at a store run by Munchkins? It is too efing short. It needs to be taller to classify as task lighting. It just doesn’t work, unless something is going on on the floor behind the sofa. Well, at least the shade is a neutral.
Remember the series of ads Leona Helmsey did for her hotels where they’d slap her in one of the rooms with this uber-superior look on her face that read: Don’t you wish you were me? Don’t you wish you were here?
Who knew the Queen of Mean had a queen for a brother who had a Barbara Eden fixation?
The signature pink color that permeated the inside of the Jeannie’s original bottle is missing from the decor but it’s my guess the shot of this hotel chain was taken in the early 80’s, judging by the odd abstract print, the muted turquoise-esque influence and the guy who refuses to let go of the late 70’s “clone” look.
It’s also my guess the this room is, in fact, circular, that there are more pillows and airy print curtains to be found off camera and that judging by the uber-superior smirk on this lady’s face …… we now know who Leona learned her best tricks from. I’d also bet Leona’s dick was pierced, too.
A magical place spawned my the imperious imagination of Leona’s smarmy gay brother?!
Here it is: The “I Dream of Meanie” Hotel chain, where there’s only ONE master and you’d better get that straight fact RIGHT NOW or she’ll fold her arms, nod her head and make YOU disappear in a cloud of turquoise-esque smoke.
But not before you pay your bill.
One final though on my above post:
Does anyone else think that a panda or two would have been a nice touch in this space?
Or, is that beating a dead panda?
I was almost impressed by what I though, for a mere moment, was genuine Venetian Plaster. But on closer inspection I was able to tell it was the faux of the fauxist finish ever. Sigh. Not even his prodigious belly fur and inky black bush could distract me from that gaudy interior.
NEXT.
I’d love to comment on this picture but I can’t – evidently I’ve just had a stroke causing a shimmering, kaleidoscopic haze of fugly to rise before my eyes whenever I look at the screen.
This IS the look of “COOL SOPHISTICATION” in Little Rock. I mean look into his EYES….
i’m confused. do we give points or take them away cuz his eyeshadow matches the accent wall?
Strange. I would have thought Harry Shearer had better taste than this.
Taupe. TAUPE.
I wonder if that switch panel on the left lowers the sling……
@ Jeff: eric’s on to something so it probably lowers the mascara to consantly keep the mustache/body hair THAT black….
…and this IS in reference to the decor, NOT the man, and I can prove it with a little art/decorating trick that you can do at home kids!!!…
In most art, ya don’t want everything the same tone/value. You want contrast: Lights and darks. This goes for a painting. This goes for a washed out, Golden Girls, Miami Bitch in Little Rock, living room.
A way to test this is squinting your eyes at the subject matter. This (kinda) takes everything down to tone. If it all looks similar in tone/value when you do this, you probably have some light/dark tweaking to do.
Squint you eyes at this mess. BECAUSE her body hair has clearly been pigmantly fooled with, and BECAUSE of her nekid positioning on the (nasty- assed) couch – right in front of the (obviously made from a cheap Bed-In-A-Bag sheet set…. I’m guessing Finger Hut {And who thought up THAT Corporate name? We’re stylistically giving you the finger when you decorate your hut with our crap?}) curtains …..
..she totally blends in with the decor. All you now see in this pic is the white triangle of light coming from the window and the bit o’ bare wall.
Had she laid off the Clairol and the Maybelline and let her carcass go au natural for this shot, there would have been a few more lighter tones for the decor/photograph ( Silver/Grey) and BOTH would have been more balanced and pleasing to the eye.
i think he’s holding his breath, and when he lets it out and opens his eyes he’ll be in ikea, not in i can’t.
damn, i keep forgettting to figure out a way to refer to it as the guernicouch.
*shrug*
I actually lost my virginity on a quilt with the same pattern as the couch. It still makes my shiver as I see that design, which is (thank god!) not often.
I HATE futuristic art till this day and I blame the quilt…
The way the curtains are draped I assume this man is a set designer. Very theatrical, his surroundings.
Fingerhut = German for thimble
I can’t help but think that if he kept that pose but stood up, this would look very much like Carol Burnett as Scarlett. Were he to wear these curtains, considering that pelt, or even as they are, the importance of LINING cannot be over-stressed. No professional seamstress would ever simply hem this fabric and walk away, leaving the underside to show the way it does, especially in the pelmet. This was an inside job, and the perpetrator…I think we’re looking at him. Points for matching the tone of facial bronze with the lampshade. It’ll be great as a hat, should things ever get that far.
i think you put your finger on it, bummy. as soon as the music swells he’s gonna grab that lampshade and do the ’somewhere there’s a someone’ number from ‘a star is born.’
gay trivia: after completing filming, among the set pieces judy garland & sid luft bought for their own home was norman maine’s oversized couch. hmmmmmmmmmmmm……
That couch is definitely from a couch I installed in Pensecola back in the 80s! No matter how much suncsreen, KY, or boy butter gets on it, stains never show. Maybe because you just expect them to already be there anyway!!!! And, is it just me, or does this daddy look a bit like the 70s magician, Doug Henning?? He looks like he’s about to levitate right off the couch. For some reason, I want to watch reruns of The Sonny and Cher show, eating a Hungry Man frozen, fried chicken TV dinner off of one of those metal, TV trays!!
A little tear just ran down my cheek!
@ ericthewriter: Bet judy swiped the medicine cabinet too but was pissed as hell when she found it empty. She then gave it to baby Lorna as a toy.
I have those same curtains!
I’m with gary & Luddite. That “floating” lampshade is so distracting. It actually deflects from that tacky, no HIDEOUS, Hunter green sponge-technique paint job on the (smirk) accent wall.
Sorry Jayson!