Richard: This is not the sort of photo I like to see first thing in the morning. Before the coffee and Cocoa Puffs kick in, I thrive on The Obvious, but this? This is Sublime. It’s postmodern mannerism — like Madonna with the Long Neck, or Madonna with the Long, Ropey Arms. Which is to say, everything’s normal at first glance, but look again, and it’s all just a tiny bit off.
Example: why is every flat surface covered in fabric? Did our new friend blow his home furnishings budget on lottery tickets and Night Train, then decorate with cardboard boxes? (I did the same thing in college, and that’s how I “hid” it.) And as a follow-up: why are dude’s fabric choices so … well, there’s really no adjective for it besides “ugly”, is there? I mean, apart from “random”, “uninspired”, “matronly”, “dated”, “mismatched”, and “half-price day at the remnant bin”. Also, if I’m reading this photo correctly, someone really likes his white athletic socks.
Remember how in Jackie’s Back someone says that white people smell like wet potato chips? I know in my heart of hearts that THIS ROOM SMELLS LIKE WET POTATO CHIPS.
Jeff: The only thing missing is a half-eaten tin of seafoam green hard candy.
File Under:Bedroom Terrors
26 Responses to 'Sundry Fabrics and the Whiter Shade of Male'
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The only thing missing is a half-eaten tin of seafoam green hard candy.
Ohhh, I do hope he isn’t hard yet…. Otherwise he should turn the lights off, and buy an appliance.
@ Jeff. ON THE FUCKING FLOOR (struggling to breathe) LAUGHING.
He needs a headboard. That TV has to be relocated or else removed from the room completely. I do like the white swirly fabric under the lamp but perhaps that pattern would be better utilized if transferred onto a focal wall at the head of the bed. That duvet belongs in a kids room. Need something more toned down, more mature and sophisticated.
And I can’t lie. I’d probly hit that.
This is the Hobbit left in the Shire while everyone dealt with The Ring. The abundance of mixed fabrics takes mix-and-match to the wrong level. No wonder we never received the house tour.
I think what our friend here is trying, unsuccessfully, to do is to recreate the original cover art from the original released VHS tape of the Children’s Classic “The Little Mermaid”. The the flowing oceans of the bedspread, the foamy white of the linen under the lamp, the dark and ominous Ursula represented by the TV and Stand, and then there is the subject himself pulling double duty as Ariel as well as the castle and it’s towers. Some of you may remember the scandal which brought Disney to it’s knees and queens around the world to buy the movie whether they liked it or not. I must say this version of the castle towers is rather accurate and just as well camouflaged.
Nothing says “C’mon over for a good time, baby”, like a pile of freshly laundered socks. I know there are fetishists out there, but the whole pile of socks is just overkill.
Ya know why this place is in such disarray, don’t you? Lamp shade askew. Bad 40’s-esque tablecloth (I’m being generous here..) rumbled, etc….
This guy’s bed left the room in huff and is gonna sleep on the couch in the living room, and not return until…
#1: The decor of the bedroom dramatically improves.
#2: Blondie promises that he will NEVER reenact the part of the fish Dori (though is resemblance to the cartoon Carp is quite remarkable) or break out his “Finding Nemo” comforter, EVER AGAIN!
Is that all there is? is that all there is? I guess we need to keep on dancing – but please not in that room. Why in the hell would you put black floral in the corner like that – for you skin honey i think you need to go darker and a bit fallish baby blue just does not do it for you. Maybe a spice color would make it all pop, and go with a bed spread that is maybe white with a black 1 1/2″ trim 6″ up (he wishes) all away around it with a smart monogram of your initials – let’s start all over – call me and I will help you and I’ll bring a paint pump.
Botticelli’s Venus falls off shell, loses wig.
damn you, guy, i was gonna do ‘penis on the half shell.’
do we give bonus points because he angled his fill light, or do we take away because of what it’s highlighting? i must find my rulebook.
Well, first of all, that’s not a bed. A bed is a mattress with a box spring, both which are supported by a frame of some sort. What he’s lying on is just a mattress; either the inflatable variety or (more likely) one “rescued” off the street, hopefully before the neighborhood dogs had a chance to mark it as part of their territory. At any rate, it’s the room’s biggest Decor Don’t (and in this room that’s really saying something). One should, after all, never have to reach UP to retrieve something from one’s bedside table.
I’m not entirely opposed to the Deep Blue Sea color scheme here, I just wonder how far it extends. For example, what in God’s name is that big, fluted thing that juts into the left side of the frame? A lamp shade? A kimono? A fish fin? And there appears to be something involving some netting hanging just above his head. That poor quilt fits the theme too, but has clearly seen better days and is fairly howling in agony right around the rump region. Also, why does the oceanic kitsch come to a screeching halt on the right side of the room where all we get is a dinged-up black credenza draped with singularly ratty chintz and crowned with an ancient, portable television, the knobs of which are in desperate need of a going-over with a moist towelette or three? And speaking of the TV, how the Hell you’re supposed to watch it in that configuration without doing permanent injury to your neck is beyond me.
Oh well. At least the socks look clean. And they remind me calamari! Total Bonus!
Am I the only one mortified the school of Cockroaches rushing up the wall, inspired from the intense light from the rakishly tilted lamp shade?
Run, my children, run!
As a fan of fabric, I am a quilter after all, the only one in this room I’d buy off the bolt is the white under the lamp. It would make a good background for more vibrant fabrics.
Are the sheets under that blue/green/oceanic bedspread of a marroon color, or are my eyes playing tricks on me. That is a “bold”, dare I say “horrid,” color scheme for bed linens. This is not a combination I recognize from the Bloomingdale’s approved bed linen displays.
Also, some further commentary on the lighting design in this bedroom. I would not choose to highlight the male figure in the middle with the jauntily angled lamp shade. I almost blinded myself on first glance from the sheer wattage of light being emitted and bouncing off the male figure. Oh, I think I need to lie down for a moment. Jeez, I think that bedspread could use a dry cleaning, or a burning.
I believe this is bedroom of Glenn Beck’s brother, the one he never talks about.
Post modern? more like post-mortem
Howard and I used to hang out together. Until, that is, he started trying to recreate the 80’s. I should never have given him my teal ginger jar lamp. Well, I threw it at him actually. But that did it just the same. I see he has Robert’s oriental commode, too. MY Robert until that slut came on the scene. All blond and everything.
Now that I’m looking closer…is that?…yes it is! The ho! That’s Robert’s old shirt over the night stand. He looked so good in it. Even better OUT of it. I shouldn’t kiss and tell.
So Howard there, and I don’t think he gets out much (not out of the BED much anyway), Howard fell hard for a member of a national sports team. You know teams, if one does something they all think they have to do it too, so before you know it, Howard is, shall we say, the head of the team’s booster club. What? You didn’t think all those socks were Howard’s did you?
At least he did learn one trick from me. (Pardon the pun.) Putting the TV where you can see it. DURING!! You know what I mean. I hear the team likes to watch ‘blue’ movies as they say and video of the past week’s game while Howard gives them a boost. Larry and Paul, that cute couple next door, complain that they hear Howard screaming at the TV…go go go, faster faster. Poor boy thinks the game is live and not on tape I guess.
So, you see, there isn’t much hope here of an update. The team just wears out the bedding as fast as Howard can buy more. And headboards, don’t even ask.
For now, I think the best we can do is just turn off the light and close the door. At least until after the bowl games are over.
i don’t think he’s glen back’s little brother, i think he’s bill o’reilly’s dirty little secret. the lamp & chintz scream ‘republican’ to me.
The use of a kitchen timer as a decorating accent reasies the question, is there an egg beater in the night stand?
C’mon guys – he means well…
Light a match. Throw it in the room. Close the door.
I’m telling you Darren: That comforter brings out your eyes. $1.75 you’ve gotta get it!
That timer is to let him know when Glenn Beck’s show comes on. I suspect they both have penis envy. Isn’t that what makes people republican? oh, sorry sarah. I know you’ve got a big one.
Guy, loved your Botticelli remark. Best of the week so far.
This is clearly an excellent example of “doing more with less”. Oh, and so is the room decor.
I’m sure our guy was thinking, “I’ll get back to putting these socks away AFTER I post a new pic on Manhunt.”
The pleated lampshade. A GODDAMN pleated lampshade?! Are you kidding me?!!!!
But my lingering question is, who actually watches TV at that angle? And on such a small television, no less.