Sean:There comes a time in every young lady’s life when she decides to combine her passion for interior design with her lifelong interest in artificial flowers, thereby creating a Little Floral Shop of Horrors right in her very own home! I have it on good authority that the water lilies by the door feed on human blood and that the villainous vines overtaking the room will doo-wop your cares away with the kind of sultry vocal stylings that would put finest celebrity Broadway ensemble to shame. Now. I like plants and flowers as much as the next gay. The fake peonies and forsythia are the boldest of bold wall bouquets that I’ve ever seen, and installing plastic planters on a feature wall six feet up from the floor? Shit girl! That’s the kind of genius that most would rightly confuse with bat-shit crazy. Still, despite all these pros, for some reason I find myself wishing this young lady’s shop was a little more Lady Gaga and a little less Lady of Shallot.
A final word of advice: do not stare to long at the shrunken devil head on the wall. It will steal your soul.
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This must be the Puerto Rican entry/exhibit at the annual Chelsea Flower Show. All that’s missing is a shrine to J. Lo’s bootie.
Those cushions ! Not a happy mix.
Sean- I am somewhat disappointed that you, what with your Certificate of Authenticity in Historical Shrines, have failed to recognize The Russian Orthodox Church’s Tribute to the Late Czar Nicholas II and his family. You made no reference to the First Dictatorial Family’s Portrait displayed at floor level where it can be seen by all the still-grovelling serfs as they crawl in on their bellies to pay homage to this Champion of Human Non-Rights. “But wait a minute!”, you may say. “What about the fact that there are only four persons in the portrait when it is known that the Czar and his wife had three off-spring.?” It’s as clear as the Shart Stained Underwear worn by the manly Curator about to light the incense candle atop the Shrine’s Altar in an attempt to mask his poopy odors. Missing from the portrait is the elusive Anastasia who, as legend has it, hopped a slow boat to China where she ran an opium den until she made enough money to pay passage to the West where she settled down with a travelling saleman by the name of Bates. The two of them then had a boy named Norman. (At first they wanted to name the baby Jesus but soon realized that if they did that it would cause the neighbors to think they were Puerto Rican.) Whatever became of them after then is still a mystery. Next, I ask you to take a closer look at the shrunken head. It is a not a devil’s, but none other than that of the Monk Rasputin, Holy Protector of the Family. And finally, as for the plastic flowers…where in hell are you going to find fresh flowers of the garden in the middle of Winter in Siberia?
where triffids go to die….
I know he’s Puerto Rican, he’s got that beautiful PR skin tone and he’s got the ubiquitous Puerto Rican flag firmly planted in his design [has anyone out there EVER met a Puerto Rican who didn't display their flag in their home, in their car and on their person to a fetishistic degree of Nationalist Pride? "Ripley's Believe It or Not" is still searching for one]. I know he’s Puerto Rican, even if the accessories all look to be global traveller (cheap knockoff import store), but something about this dig (including his posture and stance) totally reads as Egyptian. As for the Wal-Mart crafts/floral department of it all…holy Lady of Lourdes! that’s the Front Door!! This isn’t a basement or backroom. Can you imagine walking into this off the street for the first time? Tie him up with those petroleum-based “silks” and throw him on the next banana boat back to the islands post haste.
I love the spot heating lamp on the marijuana plant on the wall — very creative use of space to grow your stash.
Busy, Busy, Busy! My eyeballs hurt. All the elements of a Puerto Rican Wedding, minus the bride.
Perhaps, if you paint the walls a dark, dark green, all that flora might just be less a storm of confusion. Or not.
I tend to agree with GEO. Something totally Egyptian about the whole thing.
Faithful florist to King Sepsis IX ready and willing to seal himself inside alive in his eternal workshop when the king’s sarcophagus is brought in and the tomb closed.
Only to be plundered centuries later and displayed in San Juan.
Now we wait for the curse to kick in……or has it?
I so have to concentrate on the black socks or I get dizzy.
Does anyone have a clue about that “tribal art” piece on the wall? I’m dumbfounded. Could it be a camp/wood shop project he made when he was 13 years old? Could it be the work of some mentally challenged insider artist yet to be discovered and probably will never be discovered? Could it be some flotsam that he found on the beach? Could it be some Santeria crap he picked up in Hialeah? Is it Satanic? Some assistance would be appreciated. Thank you.
Oh please this is nothing. I have fucked next to Santeria altars back in Hartford, Meriden, and New Britain CT. Complete with mawkish black candles, skulls, and statues of dogs licking the 5 bleeding wounds of Christ. I still have my soul…I think. Given that I find this place to be a cheery Earth Day exhibit in San Juan. I like it!
LOL @ bobbyt’s comment! You nailed it perfectly!
to his credit, he’s managed to NOT have a man dangling by his balls anywhere in the room, which, i believe we’ve now learned, is the first rule of design. . . . so, he’s got that going for him.
Goodness, there is a whole lot going on in this room. Clearly he has a green thumb (at least 5 of the plants are real). I really , really have to wonder though… where is he going with this concept.
As Tony so aptly pointed though… no ball dangling men! This is a good thing.
The worst thing, from my point of view, is the underwear don’t show much promise. I want to believe it’s the lighting, or cold weather. Puerto Rico produces some of the most beautiful dicks on the planet. If he has one of those, I’d run cheerfully to the local silk flower store buying garlands, hot glue, and staple guns to help him decorate the kitchen cabinets.
Ummm… Porch furniture? Belongs on a porch. ONLY on a porch. NOT indoors. And most definitely not in an urban studio apartment. This is like an apartment in OppositeWorld! It’s as though this guy reached into a Puerto Rican tract house, grabbed it by the throat and turned it inside out. The [fake] ivy is climbing up the INDOOR walls, there are [fake] flowers all over the door yet weeds in the flower boxes, there are big, ugly sconces supporting nothing but teeny-tiny candles, the family portrait is hanging UNDERNEATH the occasional table and that weird satanic shield-thing is hanging OVER the table… And our proud homeowner is wearing nothing but sports briefs with dress socks! What IS this guy smoking?! I feel as though you have to down the contents of a bottle that says “Drink Me” just to get through the front door! Or – are you supposed to enter through a window?
Whatever – I’m getting a migraine just looking at it! YEESH!
Bad show, Lurid Digs. To qualify as lurid there must be nudity. Although, come to think of it, a skintight gold lame swimsuit might also suffice. And a skirt made of bananas could definitely be. But lurid and potentially sleazy nudity is always preferred (8 out of 10 Diggers agree).
hummm…. nothing “ballsy” dangling from the ceiling. No “water jets” in the middle of the room…..
Comparing this to the last two… I give him two fingers
… ummm errr…. thumbs up.
this is the worst production of ‘suddenly last summer’ i’ve ever seen.
@Tony nearly had me spitting wine out my nose when he mentioned there’s nobody hanging by his balls from the ceiling. I think that will be the measure by which all other Lurid Digs are compared for the rest of eternity.
I was choking on my vomit until ericthewriter made his “Suddenly Last Summer” comment. The laughter saved my life. Thanks, ericthewriter. Now I must clean off my laptop.
C’est très intéressant comme approche du “mur végétal” de Patrick Blanc revu par Jeff Koons. A en juger par les drapeaux, je pense qu’il s’agit sans doute de l’intérieur d’un consulat cubain aux USA et de Monsieur le Consul bien-sûr.
Not a single crucifix or plastic fruit anywhere amongst all the creeping charlies?
I find the use of red window box planters high on the windowless wall a poignant statement about the urban dwellers’ yearning to reach the natural world.
@ReggieZotz, I only see one black sock…where is the other?
Two chairs and two flags indicate that this is the setting for the signing of some ground-breaking historic agreement. Naturally, there is concern in these economic times so the decorator has gone with a bold and welcoming vision that should make an ideal photograph on all the best news services.
Saddly, this clearly dispells the myth that all Puerto Rican men are well endowed…with interior design ability. Our subject is clearly pining for Rita Moreno to pay a visit and sing “I feel pretty”, and is most likely reanacting this all by himself every day that goes by in her absence. At least he has Yemaya’, Ochun and Chango’ to stare down disapprovingly at his performance.
There’s just something a bit to human sacrifice-y about that whole setup…the altarish table, the wall-mounted fetish thing, and the orgy of fake flora. It’s all like a pagan temple out of a no-budget Z-movie. I have to give him credit for his diligence in washing up the bloodstains of his victims.
Mike, I think the only thing that was sacrificed here was good taste.
Little known fact: The successful book and more recent movie “Where The Wild Things Are” had to be rewritten and retitled before anyone would publish it. The original story/title was “Where The Plastic Things Are.”
I DO like the look on his face. Defiant. He knows he’s a decorating mess and that all of his taste is in his sock. Or socks…… Regardless, he did all of this just because he could! And because he knows this room annoys all of us.
“If I had MORE flowers, I’d slap those up too, Puta! Then,……… I’d slap you!”
Sing out, Louisa!
Okay, some kind of weird, voudou/santeria/candomble thing is going on here. I *do* think the studded gold voudou dolls under the table protecting the family portrait are a nice touch.
I do like Pompadourette’s likening this to a Patrick Blanc piece via Koontz. Quite apropos.
I always thought that BATMAN villainess Poison Ivy was a lesbian, but I see from this picture she has had a son…
About the candle holder. I had assumed that all that horrid cheap wire crap that says “Made in China” that Wal-mart is so chockablock full of came from China.
I now see that it’s actually a Cuban plot to destroy the relationship between the US robber barons and Chinese businessmen.
We send the Chinese rice, they send us bent wire wall hangings, bent wire vases, bent wire chairs, bent wire tables, bent wire candle holders, and yesterday I even had to handle a bent wire bureau with bent wire mirror! (EEEK!)
Obviously the Cubans have lost their market with the fall of the Soviet Union and are laundering their rusted car parts through Chinese import shacks and sending them to the US as furniture and decorator objects.
And they’re clearly messing with the Chinese plastic flower merchants as well. You see, the Chinese either make plastic flowers that resemble what they know, like roses, or they try to make things from photographs that the Cubans are sending them. And they don’t know the significance of the plants they’re copying if they don’t exist in China.
So the Chinese make a nice thick lei like the one on the right, without knowing that it’s an entire garland of poison ivy!
And the Cubans are snickering.
Ah, Sean. ‘Shalott’. One ‘l’ two ‘t’s. Not ‘shallot’, which is a small onion suitable for pickling. Then again…
The family picture both levels out the mazy background and introduces someone else to blame. How smart.
“Please have a seat. Your wedding planner / Voodoo priestess will be with you shortly.”
i am sure that the ancient mayans are turning over in their graves looking at this….could we please just wake up from the nightmare and beg GOD to kill us the next time we pass the silk flower department at the craft store??
Stellar- sheer brilliance Sean- the best lines ever written:
The fake peonies and forsythia are the boldest of bold wall bouquets that I’ve ever seen, and installing plastic planters on a feature wall six feet up from the floor? Shit girl! That’s the kind of genius that most would rightly confuse with bat-shit crazy