Richard: What we have here is a failure to communicate. And by “communicate”, I mean “use condoms”. Because if Mr. X and his fertile kin had bothered to use a little protection, Mr. X wouldn’t be burdened with so many Olan Mills family portraits, and he would probably have better a better bedroom set, too.
As it is, the only decent piece (of furniture) Mr. X owns is that dresser, which is (a) overwhelming that Astoria one-bedroom and (b) covered in veneer, which is one of my least favorite things to be covered in. The dresser, in turn, is overwhelmed by all those 8x10s of cousins and nephews and sisters and other relatives he sees once a year at Christmas. The bar stool — which stands where there was once a normal corner-table, until Mr. X loaned it to his brother, Manny, neither of which will ever be seen again — is overwhelmed by the TV. And the floor sconce is overwhelmed by everything in the goddamn room, but then, you can’t really expect anything from Walmart to make a dramatic statement. (As proof: the bland, mismatched Walmart bedspread, duvet, and pillowcase, all of which are trying to slink back toward a Natalie Merchant album cover.)
It’s curious that all that overwhelming adds up to an underwhelming effect, but then, I suppose there are bigger mysteries in the universe. Natalie Merchant included.
File Under:Bathroom Abominations
21 Responses to 'It’s A Family Affair (or Manny Absconds With the Corner Table)'
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David K. publishes Nightcharm, the only gay porn site ever to be featured on Oprah and regularly compared to Martha Stewart Living.
Shawn Baker is the Executive-Editor of Nightcharm and hails from New York. He is a member of its young underclass, a little bit Ann Darrow, a little bit Travis Bickle.
Richard writes the infamous queer blog Sturtle.com . His turn-ons include wainscoting, ZZ Top, and sharp-dressed men. Turn-offs: sectionals, pleated trousers, and pina coladas.
Heather Corinna is the undisputed diva of online erotica for chicks. She publishes Scarleteen.com and is a sex guru to thousands of teenagers.
Sean Horlor is happy to no longer be using his judgmental prowess for the forces of darkness. He co-hosts a comedy lifestyle reality TV series called Don't Quit Your Gay Job and runs Up Your Alley.
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wow! still the size of the cock draws my attention away of the family tree…
I see a jumbo-sized air cleaner tucked between the bar stool and the faux-Queen-Anne abomination. You know its gotta smell like a fetid combination of Desenex® and regret in that bedroom.
Just in time for the release of “Prince of Persia” The Tehrangeles Edition. That is the worst television stand ever. And on a side note, aren’t Iranians known around the world for their textiles, what’s up with this mishmosh of Walmart “linens” on the bed??? Relative to that, two candles in horrible shades and a balljar candle on the electronics, his wife definitely shops at Wal-Mart. Wonder if she knows he shops at Manhunt?
As always, Mr. Bell’s wonderful invention brings good news: Regina is fine and resting comfortably, having just delivered another set of beautiful triplets. Kenneth, his proud eyes moist with tears, contemplates the portraits of each of his little blessings. “Yes, Doctor King,” he thinks. “After years of struggle, I have finally overcome.”
Receiving a call from Mariah Carey for more IVF treatments. OR The cable guy is wearing my bathrobe.
Why does a man who wears this bathrobe live in a room like this? He has no taste.
His mother obviously helped him decorate. They hold on to every memory (and bed covering) ’til death.
Worst of all….I think he still lives at home. Caution: Sleep with him and he will never let you go.
Who brings Facebook into the bedroom – this dude!
Well, technically that lamp is a torchiere, not a sconce. A sconce hangs on the wall.
It looks like the feet of a Sesame Street monster wearing a plaid nightgown reflected in the television screen! And that reflection bears no resemblance to anything in the room that I can see. Do we have some documentation of the paranormal (as opposed to the abnormal) going on here?
How do you tactfully say “I’d love to suck your dick but no, I won’t adopt a Chinese baby girl and marry you”? Liberation is great, but things are definitely getting more complicated.
Shush! This is an important call. This guy’s trying to get a hold of his sponsor. He’s a member of Drab Anonymous and unfortunately, he’s in the middle of a big relapse.
This is an art trick: When looking at a painting, a drawing, a room, etc. and you want to see where the light and darks of the composition are, what the contrast is – you squint your eyes at the art. This helps you see everything as a tone, rather than a color or a texture. Kids! Do this trick with me at home, won’tcha? Squint your eyes at this piece of work. Yes, I know you’re tempted to just close them completely and be done with it. Try to resist that gut reaction and work through it. With the exception of the horrid dresser and the attractive weenie, it’s all kinda the same light-dull tone.
We need to get some color and depth in there, Butch. And I can think of at least one place that I’d like to see a pop of dark purple….
Step #1: We admitted we were powerless over light tones—that our beiges had become
unmanageable.
Step #2: Came to believe that darker tones could restore our rooms instantly.
Step #3: Made a decision to turn our home and our crap over to the care of a decorator who understands the use of color.
Another art trick, Dash, is to get as close to the one attractive thing in the room until your vision focuses only on that one thing and everything else is completely obscured. Don’t forget the famous “13th Step” took home an “anonymous” trick while my wife, mother-in-law, mother, and aunts were all away at the flea-market combing it for more treasures.
@ Geo: And with your trick, one squints at things less and opens up to things more. So much more relaxing and natural. And 13 always was my lucky number.
But after we’ve finished that extra step, the bedspread still has to go…… as kind of a living amends to the rest of the room.
I say rope the whole thing off in Police tape and run away.
Why or why are there SO MANY drab bedspreads out there? There ought to be a LAW against them. Or at least a friggin’ Facebook page to ban them.
Tony…. Can we rope him up and play police interrogation instead? The room’s a crime but I think our victim of drab could be rehabilitated.
LOL, I know him, his ex-wives, in laws, children, grand children and his boyfriends 13 brothers and sisters. I called to let him know that his nude picture was on a website, ideas of a muscle blog perhaps a hot bear blog or even hot amateur blog danced in his brain, could it be that he would be immortalized! I then had to explain the site.. a pause, a deep inhale and a chuckle was a welcomed response from R. I believe his grandmother and boy friends mother’s pictures adorn the room and yes the bedspread was from Wal-Mart! He has since moved to a bigger abode and was able to display the rest of the bedroom set!
the jumbo beer can hanging between his legs makes the entire room disappear. he needs to be made aware that all the photos can “see” what’s going on in his room…i think he’s talking to the triplets hanging above his head…they must be shaking their heads “NO” in unison.
the casual nature of his pose verses the formal quality of the interior strkes me as a nice balance between two opposing styles. his open robe invites the viewer into the room and the triplets hanging between his legs and the photo of them above his head draws the eyes up and down and down again…the only thing that i would personally like to see are the words MILLER-LITE printed on his beer can penis. after all is said and done, i feel an award should be given for a job well done!
If he moved to “a bigger abode” but he took that monstrosity of a bedroom set (and those repugnant sheets) with him, then he still has absolutely wretched taste and he probably always will.
Sorry.
The “design” element of this room that is working my last good nerve is the collection of family pictures. PEOPLE!!! We never stick photos into the mirror of our dresser, armoire, etc…even if it is as god-awful as the specimen pictured here from Sears. We never hang family pictures, be the solo or those precious collages, on our walls. Resist the urge, I beg you. And we never hang ANYTHING so high we must crane our neck to catch the bottom of the frame. This screams white trash, don’t ask me why, it just does. Sort of the interior version of the couch on the porch in terms of being a dead giveaway that you are related to Jeff Foxworthy. There, I feel better.