Richard: Oh, so close. So very, very close.
Full disclosure: I love terrazzo floors. Love them. They’re durable and easy to clean and colorful, just like certain homosexuals of my acquaintance. Personally, I prefer the larger 24″ tiles, but then, I’ve been accused of being a size queen before.
The wallpaper? Also a huge win. Yeah, it’s a little “Ali McGraw’s powder room (the one where she likes to freshen up before ceremoniously pulling keys out of a fishbowl)”, but it’s soft and cool and that’s kind of what you want in a Florida room.
The statue is unfortunate, but at least it’s mobile. Worst case scenario: our host can wrap it in fishing wire and turn it into one of those giant oil-dripping fountains you see in Italian restaurants that serve “cheese sticks”.
The criminal offense, however, is that sofa — that goddamn chicken fat yellow, La-Z-Boy monstrosity. It looks like a big, sticky shammy mitten, and although some people I know would love to take a spin on the rough-tradin’, hooker-whoopin’ ShamWow Guy, that’s not where I want to relax on warm afternoons in Boca.
Tell you what: if our host leaves me those sandals (and a few other things), we’ll call it a draw.
File Under:Fucked Up Foyers
36 Responses to 'Chicken Fat Yellow Sofa in Ali McGraw’s Bathroom'
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David K. publishes Nightcharm, the only gay porn site ever to be featured on Oprah and regularly compared to Martha Stewart Living.
Shawn Baker is the Executive-Editor of Nightcharm and hails from New York. He is a member of its young underclass, a little bit Ann Darrow, a little bit Travis Bickle.
Richard writes the infamous queer blog Sturtle.com . His turn-ons include wainscoting, ZZ Top, and sharp-dressed men. Turn-offs: sectionals, pleated trousers, and pina coladas.
Heather Corinna is the undisputed diva of online erotica for chicks. She publishes Scarleteen.com and is a sex guru to thousands of teenagers.
Sean Horlor is happy to no longer be using his judgmental prowess for the forces of darkness. He co-hosts a comedy lifestyle reality TV series called Don't Quit Your Gay Job and runs Up Your Alley.
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It’s Bill O’Reilly’s “green room”
I actually don’t hate the color of the sofa, if it were a more modern, boxier shape it would not only suffice, it would go beautifully with that wallpaper. By the way, who wallpapers what is essentially an exterior wall of your house? A little 1970 but tasteful and understated. On a side note I wish he’d kept his head up instead of that winsome, sideways glance. It would maintain the purity of the vertical line he had goin’ there. Lose the lady, lose the cushions, replace the sisal rug with an outdoor rug with a nice complementary color and you’re well on you’re way.
That sofa is so wrong on so many levels it’s a total fail in that room. Color, scale AND style, just flat wrong. That space is striving for a certain level of formality with the statue and the wall paper. And since I’m reading the wallpaper color as primarily a pale blue, I’m thinking formal AND French. Ultimately, a Louis XVI settee (Honestly, I cannot believe I just said that) upholstered in the palest of yellow and blue striped damask, and an Aubusson rug, and that space would be lovely.
A Louis-the-Hooey settee and an Aubusson rug? Who are you–Jonathan Adler?
Fuck that noise–that’s so Elle Decor 2004.
I agree that the color of the sofa is entirely appropriate, but its shape, scale, and the faux-Kuba designs on the cushions are entirely wrong.
Put the sofa and that tacky statue out by the curb, where some Greek retirees will find them and take them home.
If one must keep and work with the wallpaper, then the furnishings should provide counterpoint–spare modernist metal lounge furniture in the manner of Hugh Newell Jacobsen, with cushions in a similarly frosty Venetian color, matching occasional tables topped with travertine, and maybe a Venetian-glass chandelier to tie it all together.
The man can stay, but he needs better sandals.
First of all, terrazzo tiles! WRONG! You do not use terrazzo tiles. You use terrazzo on the entire floor. Tiles make terrazzo look like linoleum. YUCK! That’s also very downscale for Boca. I’d put this location in Belle Glade, Florida vs. Boca. The Jews of Boca have more class than to use terrazzo tiles.
Second, that wallpaper pattern — with blue vertical molding mid-wall no less. This reminds me of some cheesy tea house in Macon, GA where Miss Trixie thinks she’s all upscale by putting the Lipton tea bags in a wood box when serving tea to her needlepoint group. No self respecting gay man would be caught dead next to that wallpaper unless he was a total closet case, sang in the choir at the local Baptist church, and had a friggin’ pompadour for a hairstyle. This guy in the LD photo should get the hell out of there now! Otherwise the conversion therapy people will be on his ass — and not in the good way.
Third, the statue. Dead on right it should be left at the curb for the crazy Greek family down the block to steal and put in their home. Or, seeing that we are probably in Florida, a Santeria household in Hialeah could steal it and make a sacrficial altar out of it. The figure could be made to look like Guadalupe if they tried.
Finally, the sofa. They call it a couch here though. On Golden Girls, didn’t Dorothy’s ex-husband Stan have that horrible couch in his swinging Don Johnson/Miami Vice style bachelor pad? The pastel yellow has me reliving the 80s in Miami right now. Personally, I think that couch would look better in a retirement home in Ames, Iowa. They’d just need to lay some thick towels down to help prevent staining when the residents are incontinent.
The burning question remains, what the heck is this guy doing naked in a place like this? I figure someone mixed up his medication.
While the statue fails as art, it picks up the host’s pink-y skin tone, and offers a rakish lady-or-tiger visual for this pose that from the cropping was clearly meant to be in play. (Granted, I’ll take the tiger.) Are those towels tucked over the sofa seat, or fitted sheets? While I understand practicality, a big no to both. That wallpaper and those cushions? Like the French occupation of the Congo, une grande mistaque!
Best picture yet, best posts all around. Yes, I think this has been “set” up. You all rock!
look, we’re all gay. this is an easy fix, usind maxine’s ‘le style anglaise’ formula from ‘lace.’
pick the lightest tone in the tile. that’s your wall color.
darkest tile tone? accent wall.
sofa? slipcover, semi-fitted?
statue and pedestal? highlight the invisible quotation marks around them.
guy? as is, only lubed.
Trapped in a universe he didn’t make, a world he never understood and in a room he didn’t design, Jake signalled for help in the only way he knew how.
I think it looked better as a garage.
I have ended “dates” by walking out of places that look like this.
It reminds me of various dresses on Project Runway where Michael Kors inevitably offers, “Where is she going wearing that?”, the equivalent here being, “Who lives in that room? What do they do there?”. I don’t doubt that there was an interior designer involved, and hence, the occupant looks totally out of place and uncomfortable in his own home. Plus, as with most interior design, it looks dated and staid fifteen minutes after your check clears.
To my reckoning, this scores way, way, WAY lower than the numerous offerings on here of inept attempts to gussie-up the doublewide. I see no character, no authenticity, no creativity, no panache, no innovation. Only crass consumerism. “Oh yes! Buy that! It will look FABulous!”
FAIL.
And THIS is why Friends don’t let Friends furnish and decorate their homes entirely from the Home Shopping Network.
I have been contemplating the little cushion draped over the sofa arm: design element or padding for when Daddy bear bends you over the arm. I’m thinking it works better as the latter.
garry, quite often second generation memphis knockoffs are much more functional than their inspirations.
i for one lost my limited patience with the style upon being asked ‘who says chairs are for sitting?’ by a designer.
in fact, i put on my clothes and went home. but that’s another website entirely.
@ Michael S – Best.Comment.Evvvah!
Yes, total props Michael S. Genius.
eric, yes it’s a real date-ender when the electric chair is the most comfortable piece of furniture in the room. BTW, it’s great to be back with you guys. I have a new computer and can once again enjoy the exquisite frissons LuridDigs provides.
In response to “GS”…I am Greek, and you may be surprised to know that I (nor any Greeks I know) have statues like this in their homes and I take offense at the ‘crazy Greek family’ remark. You’re supposed to be making comments on the decor only so kindly leave your nationality stereotyping out of it!
Good to see you back Garry, know where’s Jimbo and Luddite?
and it just got better…same guy, same room, different angle…bonus native american drum/urn/potterywhatthehell…
http://www.pictures.dutchbear.com/gall3-206.jpg
For me I don’t mind the sofa, that can easily be solved with a cover or getting it reupholstered; the biggest distraction is actually that awful gaudy statue that shouldn’t be any home – it screams, “I want to appear as though I have class” or replace class with rich, style, culture, heritage etc. The floor is just plain disgusting and the wall paper is the reason why I refuse to deal with anyone under the impression that hanging wall paper is a ‘cool thing to do’ in 2010. Give me a grand and I’ll turn that place into something acceptable to show the local door to door god botherer.
a grand? i could tame that room for $200, have change left over and throw daddy the ride of his life at no additional charge.
I have this sneaking suspicion (and I just can’t shake it) that the black trimwork at the bottom of the wall is not some fine millwork or moulding but is actually RUBBER. (which I like very much in other contexts) Not only is it rubber, it’s designed so that when they bring out the big round floor buffer to clean the floors in this restaurant (I’m thinking Asbury Park–maybe the Wildwoods); it doesn’t damage the fine wallpaper. This guy is the new dining room manager, straight (pardon the pun) from a gig down in Rehomo where he got fired for bangin an underage busboy.
Oh, Good Lord! I just clicked on the link for “the oil dripping fountain”. It’s even cheesier than the ones I remember in The Oak’s windows.
When I was 17 I thought that’s what all rich peoples’ houses must look like!
The f*ckin picktures are hung to high, and the bathing nymph’s hand is too low. Daddy’s gonna be a one night stand…
The “picktures” are exterior windows on the porch (enclosed read Florida Room) of the house.
I can’t stop mentally drawing the graceful S-Curve that starts on his tilted flip-flop, sweeps up to his taint-crack, flowing up and along his gently curved man-tenna, then gently changing direction along to his curiously cocked head.
Seriously, it is the only legitimate art in that room.
http://redbackfur.com/lj-2010/lj-jun10/scurve.jpg as an example.
I’ve never seen a sofa made out of Teddy Ruxpin skins before. It’s a big couch. Had to have slaughtered at least 75 Teddy’s. This room gets my seal of approval on that point alone.
I know this is all about the decor – but I don’t see any – I just see him that’s all what is wrong with me? please somebody tell me – where did my queer eye go?
I think he’s adorable. If I married him, though, while were were honeymooning? There’d be one of those mysterious tragic fires that consumes a home… Hello insurance cottage!
Ah thanks guys
It just… came to me.
Please don’t toss your dirty laundry on my clean terrazzo floor (unless you plan to use that logo tee as a cum rag sometime in the near future).
That’s what large wicker basket lined with cotton canvas in the bedroom closet is for.
Thank you.
I’d gladly have that cock slam fucked up my hole….
VERTICAL crown molding?! No. Just… No. The only reason I can imagine for EVER installing vertical crown molding is because you botched the wallpaper installation and even THAT doesn’t suffice.
I’d ask what kind of moron thought such a thing was even remotely acceptable but – there he is before us, grumpily masturbating away on that eyesore of a couch! I will say, though, that the overstuffed, ultra-suede couch and our well-padded, fuzzy owner are an EXACT match! Their various and sundry colors, curves and textures compliment one another to a TEE! Hell, the pictographs on the pillows even mirror his erection! PERFECTLY! They were MADE for each other! They just need to be in some other room [or some other home] somewhere. Preferably one on wheels…
P.S., Thanks for the Shout-out, Geo!