Shawn: What’s the first thing you think about upon witnessing this setting? That’s right — colonial furniture is back! The WASPy emotional austerity and the sense of elder class boundaries gone to seed in modern suburban limbo is so sublimely barren. Remember the good old days when savages, and provocative, unmarried women were openly scorned without recourse and Lucifer himself lurked behind every poplar tree? Like you, I miss those times, and so there’s no more ignoble fate for the Spirit of The Mayflower than to be condemned to stark, prefab domesticity. Yep, somehow nothing screams the death knell of The Age of Innocence quite like a kitty litter box being placed so brazenly in the parlor.
That the litter itself is nearly the same shade as the carpet?
Wanton!
David K. publishes Nightcharm, the only gay porn site ever to be featured on Oprah and regularly compared to Martha Stewart Living.
Shawn Baker is the Executive-Editor of Nightcharm and hails from New York. He is a member of its young underclass, a little bit Ann Darrow, a little bit Travis Bickle.
Richard writes the infamous queer blog Sturtle.com . His turn-ons include wainscoting, ZZ Top, and sharp-dressed men. Turn-offs: sectionals, pleated trousers, and pina coladas.
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It would appear that the fire extinguisher needs to be recharged. My God, what if there was a kitchen fire? That needle is not even close to the green zone.
My parents had the same table & chairs when I was a kid. Not all that bad, but the litterbox raises the issue of unpleasant scents interfering with dinner. At least the fire extinguisher is handy for when the crepes suzette flame out of control….
Your biggest problem with this picture is the kitty litter box? Srsly?
The walls on that litter box are far too short. The cat probably misses the box 50% of the time. He’s gonna lose his security deposit.
Neutral tone city! The cat box should not be the only colorful thing in the room. An area rug somewhere would help give a splash of brightness in an otherwise drab room.
We had those chairs when I was a kid as well, ah the memories. The walls look a little bare, maybe some nice wainscoting would give it some interest. Kitty is going to have to go elsewhere in future, even informal dining deserves a suitable ambience.
What a shame, to find oneself in circumstances so reduced that you can’t afford a powder room just for the pets. I have indoor cats, so I know for a fact that given the absence of overflow in the area around the poopatorium seen here, the very last thing that was done before the picture was taken was that somebody ran the vacuum. I have to think that the real reasons the litterbox is where it is is that 1) all the real dining is done either in front of the TV or in bed, so the table is just there in case some big social event happens at home, though it never does; or 2) the bathing facilities in this house are shared, and the other party or parties, who also eat in bed or in front of the TV, refuse to run the risk of stepping out of the shower and onto a newly minted love offering. As it always happens, I’m left in a state of heightened anticipatory horror wondering what kind of unseen window treatments and wall hangings you’d find in a residence that features a litterbox serving (if only accidentally) as décor. I think the walls are probably bare, which is both immensely sad and sadly fitting.
the fire-extinguisher cozy doesn’t go with the rest of the room. i’d suggest one in hunter green.
Unfuckingbelievable! This is a masterpiece on Lurid Digs. The classic lines, the soul-evaporating atmosphere of beiges and off-whites and the pristine sand in the litter box. The godly detail of the little pile of litter in along the baseboard and the subtle hint of a lump of cat shit in the box itself are awesome features.
Bravo! Lurid Digs.
The fellow with the fire extinguisher rammed up his rectum may well have need of that litter box when mom serves up the Dinty Moore and jell-o.
I’m fond of numbered lists. 1) I thought the pic fake, my expert partner disagreed. Blew it up to 600% in Photoshopt and could find no anomalies. Partner wins – we all know we hate that, when partner wins 2) The cat box is disgusting. Cat people are more attached to the location, dog people are more attached to the tribe. Both fabulous. But let’s make no mistake – the bitch wants a school bus driven up her ass, in the comfort of her own home. Couldn’t care less about who you are as a person. 3) Here’s the real problem – EARLY AMERICAN IN 2011? It’s not even real Early American, it’s the 60′s rehash. Machined curves, artificially dyed wood tones. Only China could make it a cheaper and uglier version of what it really was.
All that said, nice asshole. Would love to shove a school bus in it. He’s hot.
This is taking your fetish for firemen too far! Just burn the house down, already! Nothing worth commenting on here (“There’s nothing to see, folks…keep moving on.”), this room is too stark for words. Seeing those chairs rammed as far under the table as they can possibly go just makes you realize how desperately needed a tablecloth is on that table.
Any Fire Department (and insurance agent) would commend the homeowner on his “be prepared” attitude. You’ve got two excellent methods of snuffing a fire out in the home. A bucket of kitty litter can be used to douse a grease fire. If it’s combustion due to flammable vapor or gas or incendiary material (such as a wood dinette set), go for the fire extinguisher, which is well-placed right in the middle of the high traffic kitchen.
On second thought, perhaps we’re witnessing a celestial phenomenon known as a black hole, hence the absence of any table linens, wall displays, fridge magnets, etc….
Yup, another one for the “Beyond Horrifying” category. Forget about the faux walnut tones in the faux colonial breakfast nook furniture. Forget that somehow, that poor excuse for a baseboard is stained excruciating close to matching the faux walnut furniture. Ignore if you possibly can the dirt colored carpeting, and the off white washable flat paint on the walls. Who in their right mind keeps Mr. Fluffy’s litter box in an area where they purport to actually eat food. No way would the health department rate this establishment above a D when it comes to meeting he health codes.
Speaking of municipal codes, I would imagine that the Fire Marshall might have a few concerns of his own were he to actually see this particular alternative use for a fire extinguisher.
And lastly, this can only be slightly less painful than the February 4th 2010 human pendant light in “The Wonders of Woodsy Interiors” photo spread. Ouch. Just Ouch.
I, like Eric, have an affinity for numbered lists so here is mine.
1/ NEVER buy funiture from Wal-Mart. Even if it is from their “Colonial Collection. Go to an antique market and buy the real thing.
2/ Carpet in the dining room? ICK.
3/ Litter box in the dining room… double ICK.
4/ Beige carpet and beige walls… Triple ICK.
5/ and for GAWD sakes…. get a proper mount for the fire extinguisher!
It brings back memories of a Sophie Tucker joke…. Ain’t cha got a vase?
Tony: point 5 & Sophie – exACTly
I too was disturbed by the beige-y neutrals all over the place. Maybe a tablecloth and/or seat cushions in either navy, to match the litterbox, or scarlet, to match the fire extinguisher.
is it actually a CAT litterbox, though? I was wondering if it was (like a fire extinguisher) there for emergency-reasons-only. Such as, well, it might be needed if the extinguisher-cosy can’t get to the bathroom in time after the extinguisher is extracted.
That said, I think some nice low-maintenance houseplants in the litterbox might help.
Decades ago I worked at Monkey Wards, and I distinctly remember that Douglas dinette set as one of our best sellers. Most folks didn’t get the companion sideboard, as I recall…
This is pure american trash with a touch of neuropathology not cured yet.
“Monkey Wards” OH NO YOU DIDN’T!!! LOL
If ever an interior said, “My pussy is on fire!” this is it.
I like that table, it brings back a lot of fond memories of my childhood, dinner with the family, etc…but yeah, there just is no good place for a litter box in a house. Maybe in a laundry room, but that is a big maybe….
The baseboards–aptly named in this instance–are much to thin.
Could this possibly indicate today’s installment is from, gasp!, a trailer?
Clayton Homes and other fine producers of manufactured homes often cut such corners.
Rip the finishing wood in half and you get twice the baseboard for the price of one.
i think we all had a similar dining set (or ‘suite’ as they called it in iowa in 1971)in our pasts. might be an early warning sign of homosexuality, just as are the track lighting and industrial carpeting that will manifest themselves later in gay life.
ours was Tell City, i believe. it had the 2 leaves, the dropped ends w/ gatelegs, and the shorter-backed semi-windsors w/ the semicircle armrests. ‘captain’s chairs’ i seem to recall them being called. seating for 8 with both leaves in and both ends up.
that table lasted through my parent’s pre-divorce house, our post-divorce house, my sister’s first home, my mother’s post-divorce condo and is now an island/work surface in my downstairs kitchen.
i say if you’ve got it, don’t fight it. slap some faux brick paneling on the accent wall and, as a personal favor to me, whitewash it immediately. perhaps a light loden tone on the other walls.
paint the tabletop white and the chairs black, or vice versa.
if you’re crafty, make a spatterdash floorcloth. if not, put a rag rug (not, i beg you, an oval braided one) under it.
you’ll need a quasi-historic serving piece for the tabletop. remember the following rhyme:
gold is too bold.
copper is proper.
pewter is cuter,
but cut glass is true class.
lastly, spray the inevitable builder-grade brass chandelier your choice of matte black, copper or oiled bronze and put tiny lampshades on the faux candle bulbs.
and perhaps the cat can be taught to shit in a bedwarmer propped up in the corner.
Upon further reflection, based on the sheer drab sparse beigeness of it all, I believe this is not in a home at all, but apparently a workplace breakroom. Someone’s quarterly review did not go well.
I would guess it was the Workplace Health and Safety officer who took the brunt.
A previous post alluded to the thickness of the “base-boards” and it makes me wonder if what our eyes perceives to be a horrendous sample of carpeting (in the dining room no less) isn’t actually carpet at all, but is in fact a very badly stained and irregularly cleaned sub-floor. Could the moulding in fact be a horizontal (not vertical moulding at all) carpet tack-strip??? If so, much would be explained. The previous tenant or even current might have yanked the carpet up due to serious pet urine staining, which would explain the condition of the floors underneath. Could this in fact be a DIY gone horribly wrong?! Always remember when remodelling, “Safety First!”
That ass is hardly hot enough to warrant such a safety feature.
anonymous, that’s quarter-round shoe molding. it’s historically inaccurate in this setting.
A lot has been rightly said about the beige overdose in the room that really can’t be argued with, but let’s focus on the color in the room for just a moment. Of course by color in the room I mean the fire extinguisher since it is the only thing not a shade of brown. What shade of red is that though? It was undoubtedly red at one point back in the 90′s (80′s?) but has slowly lost its luster. Would you say it is more “folly red” or possibly “vermilion red”?
When the second of the two Ukrainian women who lived in my mother’s building died we found the same dinette set up in the foyer of their apartment. I actually took time to wonder how many kielbasa or stuffed cabbage farts were repelled by the hard wooden chairs. There was no cat litter box in the foyer as the bathroon opened up off it. Perhaps he has the litter box handy in case the extinguisher doesn’t work or he can’t quite reach around his posterior to pull the pin and squeeze the handle.
“anonymous, that’s quarter-round shoe molding. it’s historically inaccurate in this setting.” Indeed! Actually quite daring… there’s little room for error, that’s why baseboards are generally thicker. I’m thinking manufactured or mobile housing – there’s no way you could get a site built structure square enough to cheap out to that extent. All that said, the hair pattern on his legs is quite charming. This photo is very post-modern. It might even be post-post-modern. Or pre-modern.
quarter-round is being used in rooms with hardsurface floors and lower ceilings because it covers the edges of the sheetrock without taking up the visual space that baseboard and crown does. its current application is considered postmodern and daring. to me it’s just logical and inexpensive.
I wonder if I left the lawn sprinklers on?
I am sitting at the same exact dining room set as I type this. I realize that I must finally get rid of this family relic as clearly I am one step away from getting a cat and becoming more familiar with a fire extinguisher than I ever thought possible. More effective than the surgeon general’s warning.
so rock maple is the gateway to buttsex and reacharounds? when i think of all the time i wasted on showtunes and animal prints….
@ETW correct, you proved my point – this hacienda is not early american! When you live in an old city, built on hills, geologically unstable, where “new construction” means 1970′s, quarter round floor molding is laughable. And when skilled Mexican sheet rockers are banned by the Republicans, we’ll be back to 3″ shoe molding. LOL
That’s not quarter-round or base-shoe molding. It’s cheap-assed ranch casing that’s been installed as a baseboard.
It looks all the narrower because extra plush carpeting and padding has been installed, burying a third of the baseboard and leaving a deep crevice at the edge that’s probably stuffed full of kitty litter and cat turds over there in the corner.
Ugh. Those Ethan-Alleny “Colonial” dining sets… Ugly as a drag-queen in daylight, but undeniably well built-that type of furniture is nigh indestructible-this its prevalence to this day.
Where’s the cat? Did he stuff that up his ass too?
When going Authentic Colonial, one must not forget oil or kerosene lamps for lighting. But safety first: Always have a fire extinguisher close at hand just in case the flame gets out of control.
RedBackFur – I think we can all safely say that the flame is indeed already out of control.
Obviously he tripped over the cat.
I sense trouble ahead, high gloss varnish may seem like a great idea at the time but mark my words he’ll regret it in years to come. I foresee scuff marks on the seats and the inevitable fading and flaking rendering what is currently a perfectly serviceable dining set an embarrassing eyesore esp at cocktail parties or Mahjong evenings. Call me old fashioned but good old fashioned bees wax polish would better stand the test of time and is nearly as wipe clean as the varnish. He should also fire the help as there is simply no excuse for cat litter outside the box especially when one is taking pictures.
I seriously hope that is a rental apartment; the thought that anyone would choose that crappy carpet color and pile is repugnant. It must be sooo tiny that there isn’t room in the bathroom to put the litterbox.
Although Mick does bring up some valid scenarios in which the litterbox placement could be explained, I must agree with John – as someone who used to work in property management, the lack of a mat or larger container for the litterbox is going to result in loss of security deposit. You can vacuum all you want, but you will NEVER get clay litter out of the carpet.
On the bright side, the next resident of that apartment will probably get new carpeting…in the same crappy shade of industrial-grade beige.
Great Post!
Th eonly solution for thi srather dull room is to replace the fire extinguisher with a hand grenade.
I’ve checked the yoga tome and nowhere is there an “asana” performed on such hideous carpet. Please, if you’re going to give online yoga instructions, shoot the pictures on a wood floor. Not on a litter-encrusted carpet. All said with heartfelt compassion for sentient beings.