Shawn: Lady In A Cage! Lady In A Cage! Somebody please call the cops STAT! because somewhere in this gilded cage a distinguished lady of a certain age is in mortal peril! I’m often astounded by the visual dissonance between decor and occupant here on Lurid Digs, but this one just has home invasion written all over it. There’s no way this sexy longhorn — looking like a drifter, hustler, or recently-paroled ex-con str8 outta Old Reliable — is resident at this address. Somewhere out of frame, a wealthy dowager is being menaced in her elevator by his gang of hot-ass hoodlums. “Not the golden cherub!,” she screams as they play keep-away. This only leads to a half-drunken glamor nudie photo shoot — on the auriferous divan! Soon enough, the gold leafing on the fireplace is stripped, the side table’s lying in shambles, and the wall is nothing but a series of ghostly framed outlines.

When will we go back to the gods of our childhood?

File Under:Living Room Wreckage

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Eric B.: Believe me, I understand that transformations take time, that rooms need to adapt themselves and DIY decorators need to rest up and recharge their creative juices. Some snowy night by the fire I’ll tell you about how Sinatra’s Loft does not grow overnight from Transitional Victorian Provincial Hand-me-down.

Trust me, I know.

Yes, every butterfly was once a caterpillar, and what we have here is a wingless room, waiting to burst forth in all its Neoclassic Bordello Chic glory.

Now is not the time to take a break. The objects need to be corralled on a mirrored tray, the walls and woodwork need to be painted the perfect green, the headboard needs to be brassed, the posters need framing, the side-tables need antiquing, the gold accents need to be bought and placed just ever so, the furniture needs to be rearranged so the closet door can be opened (and the clothes put away), the repro Tiffany lamps need to be found, the toilet paper needs to be put in its cozy….

Now is not the time to stop, little room. You’re 17% fabulous already.

File Under:Bedroom Terrors

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