Richard: And here we have Chi Chi‘s private living room, designed by Miss LaRue herself. Oh, and what luck! Here we have an actual hustler, ladies and gentlemen, probably plucked from the very sidewalks of Santa Monica Boulevard! Take your photos quickly, my dears — tomorrow he’ll be charging $300 an hour for it!

David: I’m a sucker for composition. And it’s fabulous how the model looms out from the center of the image, claiming his domain. It’s an effect that’s amplified by the crazy lines of the wainscoting zig-zagging through the blazing orange room — “Yeah, baby!” Everything here screams ‘A’ for effort. Still, I’m filing this under: Celine Dion‘s Venetian (Tangerine) Daydream.

Heather: Real Men Decorate With Naugahyde. Ooh, and that paint! Must be from the new Campbell’s Soup Collection.

John:The more I look at this photo the more fake it becomes. Is this the hocus pocus of Dr. Photoshop? Can he really be looming so enormously in the foreground? Of course, there is a whole genre of amateur porn photos — I call them the Colossus of Rhodes photos — shot from the floor where the head seems to brush the ceiling. Still…

So anyway, here we have yet another Colossus of Rhodes on the loose. This one rampaging through the pages of Architectural Digest. Correction, through the home of someone who reads entirely too many Architectural Digests. You know how there is such a thing as Fashion Victims? There is such a thing as Architectural Digest Victims.

File Under:Calvacade of Calamities | Living Room Wreckage

6

Steve: There’s a lot of motion here, in terms of the layout of this unusual and challenging space, but also in terms of the camera man, who I believe may have been falling over, or struggling to escape at the moment this photo was taken.

As far as how much slave labor was involved in the creation of the decor, I can estimate between seventy-five and one-hundred hours, which seems all the more futile given that all of this was purchased on clearance, some place with flickering fluorescent bulbs and a soundtrack of Faith Hill blaring over the faulty speaker system at a warehouse in Decatur, Alabama.

None of that detracts from the "sassy factor," however, which is clearly off the charts. Not even looking back.

File Under:Calvacade of Calamities | Living Room Wreckage

35

Steve: It is a testament to the power of a handsome face that I remain focused on that particular attribute of this photo, given that it is a boundless sea of the dingy and embarrassing, in which everything that has survived the fire now serves either as an ash tray, piggy bank, or combination ash tray/piggy bank.

I can barely breathe.

File Under:Calvacade of Calamities | Hot Anyway | Living Room Wreckage

38

Steve: Lex Mathis began building his media empire when he was only fourteen. An involved and extensive system of cables, monitors, and audio/video data stored on a spectrum of formats including VHS, Beta, and stereophonic audio cassette-tape is what has resulted from more than eight years of constant attention. It is rivaled only by certain branch offices of the Minnesota Public Library System.

File Under:Beyond Horrifying | Calvacade of Calamities

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Steve: "Oh, what? Sorry, I was just working on some things down here. No, it’s alright — come on down. None of this is technically ready to be viewed yet, but I think you can see where it’s going. It’s all about nature and confinement. But the thing is… I can’t find a good way to work in more than just six of seven of these hats, and my iguana escaped from her terrarium last night. She’s here someplace. Bessie! Bessie! Come back!"
 

File Under:Calvacade of Calamities | Living Room Wreckage

17

David: Thanks to everyone for stopping in and making this one of the most popular gay blogs circulating the posh new realm of Web 2.0 (whatever in the fuck that is.) Please keep sending in your catastrophes — because, well, without them we’re nothing.

Oh, too, thanks for voting for us in Cybersocket’s Best Adult Blog category. We’ll mention each of you when we accept our award in Hollywood next month.

David K.
 

File Under:Calvacade of Calamities

18

“I’m your kitchen dancer,
A dancer for money,
I’ll do what you want me to do.
I’m your kitchen dancer,
A dancer money,
Any old music will do.”

Steve: Seriously though, this guy helped paint my living room. Not the best craftsmanship; that’s all I can really say.

File Under:Calvacade of Calamities

21