Steve: I wouldn’t want to insinuate that this might ever be the future location of sweaty gay sex, but it might. Isn’t that the most wonderful thing?

Rest assured, everything will smell completely fresh for the duration, and you’ll be surrounded by a dizzying array of delicate pastel-colored ornaments, hand-painted in Taiwan.

File Under:Dens From Hell

31

Steve: If you’re not getting the response you want from one photo, you might try changing the setting of the shot. Many times, this changes the tone entirely.

…

Though not always.

File Under:Dens From Hell | Living Room Wreckage

31

Steve: Are you guys ready for some pant-off, mystical-holiday-ass action? I should hope you would be! Get loose for heaven’s sake!

This is the time of year when families come together to share in a spirit of giving and gratitude, and when their super-weird son who never moved out plays World of Warcraft in the basement, and takes pictures like this to post on dating sites developed entirely for other weird sons who live in their parents’ basements.

Tell you what, from one man to another, I want you to have this powder horn.

File Under:Beyond Horrifying | Dens From Hell

58

Richard: Here at Lurid Digs, we’re not what you’d call “political”. I mean, we think PETA is fine, as long as it’s warm and served with a hearty side of baba ghanoush.

So this may seem a departure from our typically detached, snarky stance, but we simply cannot sit idly by while average Joes and G. I. Janes are forced to live in squalor due to the economic policies of the current administration.

We know it’s hard, people, but please, look at this image. This middle-class hero — we’ll call him Joe for consistency’s sake — labored day and night at Bear Stearns to fund his retirement in Boca Raton. But as you can see, thanks to the mortgage/housing collapse, the oil crisis, and a soaring US trade deficit — not to mention certain financial difficulties being endured by his former employer — Joe has been forced into a retirement home on the outskirts of Terre Haute.

Far worse, the floors above and below him are clearly occupied by black holes, which have not only been shown to cause cancer and artificial tanning in lab rats, but they also keep Joe’s sports accoutrements in a constant state of flux, being drawn toward event horizons looming just a few feet in either direction. Even our subject is beginning to feel the pull. Yet he valiantly struggles on, hoping for a better tomorrow.

If we don’t fix this problem now, the retirement of Dennis Hopper and his Boomer cohorts may be one of the biggest crises our nation has ever faced. Are we ready for that? Speak out, people! No to short-sighted tax incentives! No to black holes!
 

File Under:Dens From Hell

20

David: OK, so here’s the thing people — everything is working in this room. You’ve got a theme and a color palette that supports it. Great! Work it. The 24/7 homage to Chuck Jones? Why the fuck not? Hell it beats a room full of Chuck Norris dolls. All’s well here until the eye drifts over to the lower right hand corner of the photo and we notice — what? A giant porcelain rabbit and a mirrored disco ball. Oh no. Thematic symmetry shattered. The senses balk. The mind spins. Quick! Cue Britney’s new album — in its entirety — because you’re getting ready to … Blackout!
 

File Under:Dens From Hell

33

John: Heaven’s Portals are now open for business. That mural, first of all, then the holy water fount, then the banker’s lamp with the faux stained glass. And back to the mural again. This is what it means when the senses reel.

Gods, cupids, angels — and meaty buns … hard-as-granite meaty buns … please-be-seated meaty buns. I need to lie down now. Medic the room is spinning.

An angel with singed wings (brilliant touch) swoops down with … what, a hula hoop?… no, surely a crown (could that be, of thorns? oh, puleeze!) for our buzz-cut art-lover and damaged altar boy.

Storm clouds part, a …. god? goddess? mermaid? … lifts an elegiac arm, and all the heavens hail the momentous revelation of a perineum in thong, pulled open for full penetration.

Even the clothes, lying willy-nilly, suggest that a blinding manifestation has whirlwinded though the room, stopping only to smoke a Kools from the cigarette pack on the table. And by the way, what is that color scheme… papaya? The lime-skin shutters, the orange-pulp walls?

No matter. The message is clear: Damaged altar boy seeks same, liturgical-acting only.
 

File Under:Dens From Hell

10

John: We know what dungeon masters look like in their lair amid the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. But what could they possibly be doing by daylight? This interior tells us all we need to know — with footnotes.

Does not the decor scream kinky CPA? That serious desk with double drawers for filing. The exposed wiring and clunky CRT monitor befitting someone too busy to keep up with the times. The whole utilitarian nature of the clutter. Very no-nonsense and very much what we want in a leather top. But note how meticulous this bear is. What really drives us wild is the tea towel to protect the chair. Not that this fastidious number would leave any sort of marks, with his trim beard and schoolmaster glasses. Among so many other things on bodacious display here, this photo give us proof positive that in CPA Land cleanliness is definitely next to godliness.

David: The clash of protruding and receding planes in this room would have caused M. C. Escher — the Dutch master of impossible architectural paradoxes — to swoon. The vertical rush of the window blinds colliding with the horizontal thrust of the drawers creates a startling impression: All of a sudden you feel like the porn on the monitor has popped out — fully embodied — into the real world. And is about ready to start jerking-off — right before your eyes. That’s some powerful feng shui.

I’m impressed with the dramatic and stagey way the desk is being used as a prop. And you just know that long drawer to the left contains all of his cock rings arranged in alphabetical order.

Curtis: I’m most intrigued by the egg timer sitting atop the trusty beige cathode ray tube, and secondarily by the calendar showcasing one of my favorite genres: Airbrush paintings of glistening crystal dolphins soaring through rings of fire in space. Or maybe it’s just a standard issue volcano scene. Either way, sign me up.

File Under:Dens From Hell

6