Steve: Though not as gorgeously tropical as her sister, this sofa definitely belongs to the same family. In a startling show of irreverence to form, these wilting billows of puffy floral fabric most resemble a tin of cake batter, caught in the process of rising to golden-baked goodness. As it stands, the cake is little more than half-baked, and not ready for consumption.

However, I’m placing an order for seven of those cute little raccoon statuettes.

David: Try as I might, I can’t stop obsessing on that pile of fabric (or is it baby clothing) on the right top edge of the “couch.” (That is a couch isn’t it and not a left over corpuscle prop from the 1969 Raquel Welch sci-fi classic Fantastic Voyage?) But that pile of patterned material. Why? Why? Why?

File Under:Floral Attack | Suffocating Sofas

36

Shawn: There’s a dissonance between decor and sexual persona here that’s troubling. Two competing entities are vying for supremacy and the more dominant will imbibe the weaker. I’m thinking Jo versus Blair on The Facts of Life or that thing that happens when a zygote absorbs its twin in utero, but then it still lives on in spirit and wants to kill like in The Parent Trap. Here we have jock-inspired nudie play up against Flower Power and our Bat Boy is doomed be KOed by his own efflorescent surroundings. The baseball cap, sneaks, and tube socks want to be the focal point, but they’re all undone by the robin’s egg blue table cloth, florid rug, and the crocus yellow draperies with matching throw pillows on the leather couch. My fantasy of scoring with a slutty post-pubescent Charlie Brown is compromised now and I feel a little more dead inside than usual.

David: During the 1920s, after a period of working with more subdued colors, Henri Matisse‘s palette once again brightened. As well, his ardor for painting patterned backgrounds took on a new impassioned glee. All that went missing were the nude male models. Always we were stuck with a bare breasted female, usually with some sort of Moroccan turban on her head. Yawn. Naked men just weren’t a part of Matisse’s tableaux, and what a pity. Imagine what he could have done with a specimen like our homeowner featured above. It’s all there for us: the oriental carpet competing aggressively with the Clown Flower-like patterned curtains and pillows. Wait…! That blur of robin’s egg blue tablecloth — blowing in a breeze? A window or door ajar? Spectators watching the spectacle? And why not? So what if Matisse would pass this by, we at Lurid Digs honor the arrangement fully. Of this dreams and art are made. Now excuse me while I help this gentle soul to his bedroom. I’m curious if the curtains really do match the rug.
 

File Under:Floral Attack | Living Room Wreckage

43

Steve: My favorite way of putting an immediate damper on passion is to take photos of myself propped against a mountain of frilly pink plush. The only step further one could take this would be to actually bury oneself in the pile with only one’s face and cock protruding, but then that becomes "art."

For more inspiration see this prior example.

David: The delicate curtains in this picture convey a breezy, gauzy magical quality to the entire tableau. While the diffused lighting mitigates the dark, disturbing Nietzschean quality of this guy’s into-the-wild scrotum.

And the cluster fuck of toys? Who is to say stuffed animals can’t exaggerate the erotic charge of a naked self-portrait? One need only consider the paraphilia-driven Plushies craze. Th-th-th-that’s all folks.
 

File Under:Bedroom Terrors | Floral Attack

6

Steve: I’m totally into this on four different levels, at least. First of all I think it’s phenomenal that Pandit was able to purchase all of the upholstery for his entire home from one massive bolt of fabric. The coordination we’re experiencing in this highly decorative interior is owing to that alone.

But the little details are what make this come together; things you don’t notice at first, like the tiny whimsical birdhouse behind our lover’s shoulder. Note how it has sprouted limbs and is frolicking about as if to say, “I’m here to ensure that every detail of your intercourse is going to be joyful and uplifting.”

Should we need intercession to our Lord, The Blessed Virgin Mary is present in the form of a comforting plaster figurine. In terms of Hell’s fury, there is no safer sex, my friends.

Also, I know some people are going to object to the bunny dolls on the sofa, but that’s because they’ve never had the pleasure of kinky sex with an nicely oiled gym adonis atop a pile of hand-sewn decorative rabbit plush. Let me just tell you that it’s something you’re going to want to do again and again.

There is nothing here to indicate that the sex will be anything other than a 100% fantastic experience. I’m going to recommend that you bring along a Polaroid, because this is the kind of thing you’re going to want to share with people. 

File Under:Floral Attack | Living Room Wreckage

16