Heather: For the love of god, it’s that damnable “socks and boots” syndrome yet again. At least he’s not putting them on the coffee table or the couch.

Richard: Okay, how many times do we have to go through this? (1) Overstuffed anything is a bad idea. (2) Area rugs from Sears are for outdoor use only. (3) No one wears Timberlands anymore — not even Puff Daddy, motherfucker. (4) Condoms should be filed away in a neat and orderly fashion — what if company were to drop by?! (5) The combination of Anal Lube® and butt juice is a permanent stain waiting to happen.

David: Heather, honey, what “coffee table?” All of this household’s furniture fund was obviously spent on condoms. As a pornographer I do advocate safe sex though, so this contestant wins some slipcovers to shield the sofa from impending spooge leaks and boot prints.

John: This is what happens when the movers come and you’re not home. And David, Jim, those aren’t condoms on the floor. That’s rolling paper!