David: At first I thought the blue padded mat was part of one of those Barton Patient Transfer Systems, a device that allows folks to maneuver their elderly and addled family members effortlessly in and out of bed. But no, no, no this divan sandwich has been put together by a homeowner who is completely mobile and independent — in fact he’s a bit of a revolutionary. Any and all rules of taste, symmetry and sanity have been jettisoned in favor of this mish-mashed paean to Dadaism — the World War I art movement that rejected logic and embraceed chaos, irrationality, Girl Scout badges and Hollie Hobbies.

Steve: When you mount me, it’s okay to get excited, but not too, too excited because I still haven’t built the wall brace and shelving for my enamel pin collection (every roller coaster between Mississippi and Vermont) and these dolls I found. I’ve discovered that when the motion becomes vigorous or too rhythmic, everything topples down into the space between my electric sleeping bag and the water sofa.

While you’re up, could you get me another Grapico?

Steve: This is the story of a simple man, surrounded by rich fabrics, beautiful men, and incredible bargains on showroom-quality home furnishings. Let the man be known as “Ted.” A.K.A. “Snuggles.” Ted’s secret underwear are about to be unleashed on an unprepared world.

Nothing can make you ready to receive what you’re about to encounter.

David: I’ve warned about this problem on several different occasions. It’s imperative with hardwood flooring (or in this case fake, “laminate,” flooring) that molding is applied to all of the areas where floor meets wall. Otherwise the job looks incomplete and extremely foolish — a bad reflection on the homeowner. Also, I’m not a fan of oriental rugs in kitchens. There’s something gauche about the combination, also creating a poor reflection on the owner’s taste. It’s simply amazing what interior design choices reveal about an individual’s overall sense of style — or lack thereof. Wouldn’t you say?

Steve: "Oh, what? Sorry, I was just working on some things down here. No, it’s alright — come on down. None of this is technically ready to be viewed yet, but I think you can see where it’s going. It’s all about nature and confinement. But the thing is… I can’t find a good way to work in more than just six of seven of these hats, and my iguana escaped from her terrarium last night. She’s here someplace. Bessie! Bessie! Come back!"
 

David: Regulars to Lurid Digs know that I’m an advocate for the Less Is More school. Especially for younger gay men who haven’t been properly interiorly trained. Their approach to room design is usually very “kitchen sink.” Sundry Xboxes, Gramma’s hand-me-down cushions, wall poster mayhem and heaps of dirty laundry scattered across the floor like mini continents that never shift. In a word, dire.

But this fellow garners points for keeping things sparse, spacious and very Zen. The Jack Nicholson moment from The Shining, placed directly over the bed like a talisman, is retro hip and lets us know that he’s not only a film buff but, also, quite possibly insane. This cinematic emblem is a thoughtful touch and could, possibly, alert future hookups to reconsider the evening and exit the room post-haste.

REDRUM! REDRUM!

Richard: Here at Lurid Digs, we’re not what you’d call “political”. I mean, we think PETA is fine, as long as it’s warm and served with a hearty side of baba ghanoush.

So this may seem a departure from our typically detached, snarky stance, but we simply cannot sit idly by while average Joes and G. I. Janes are forced to live in squalor due to the economic policies of the current administration.

We know it’s hard, people, but please, look at this image. This middle-class hero — we’ll call him Joe for consistency’s sake — labored day and night at Bear Stearns to fund his retirement in Boca Raton. But as you can see, thanks to the mortgage/housing collapse, the oil crisis, and a soaring US trade deficit — not to mention certain financial difficulties being endured by his former employer — Joe has been forced into a retirement home on the outskirts of Terre Haute.

Far worse, the floors above and below him are clearly occupied by black holes, which have not only been shown to cause cancer and artificial tanning in lab rats, but they also keep Joe’s sports accoutrements in a constant state of flux, being drawn toward event horizons looming just a few feet in either direction. Even our subject is beginning to feel the pull. Yet he valiantly struggles on, hoping for a better tomorrow.

If we don’t fix this problem now, the retirement of Dennis Hopper and his Boomer cohorts may be one of the biggest crises our nation has ever faced. Are we ready for that? Speak out, people! No to short-sighted tax incentives! No to black holes!
 

Steve: This serene, gallery-quality forest print on pressed fiberboard has started to warp and ripple. The humidity level of this environment is TOO HIGH for the proper care of art. This print must be moved to an environment of lower humidity immediately if the remaining value is to be preserved. Art is something that must be treasured, like a fine fur.

David: I know I’m supposed to analyze the interior design elements here but this fucker is wearing my high school ring, the very ring I “lost” at an East LA tarot reading parlor back in 1982. Goddamn it!
 

Steve: “People ask me, ‘where’d you get all this stuff,’ and I always tell them, ‘I just, you know, found it.’ I find stuff pretty much everywhere, and I just take it home. That’s my look. I think it’s cool how everything in the world sort of goes together, you know? A bonus tip is cover things in foil.”

Richard: Some of us assumed that this lothario, like his naugahyde settee, is of foreign origin and therefore possesses different aesthetic sensibilities. Then someone suggested this might be a fantasy room at one of those low-end hotels in the Catskills—something with the theme of “Opposite Day, Where Everything Wrong is Right!”

Unfortunately, this gem is too truly, truly outrageous for either of those flimsy excuses. From the orange wall treatment (created with a feather-duster, which we know because we remember the 80s) to the over-abundant leopard print, to the unfortunate sartorial decisions (there’s more ladypants in the bathroom), it’s pretty clear: we have seen the truth of Timothy Leary’s Eternal Philosophy of Chaos and it’s rooms like this.

Thanks for crushing the last little bit of Pollyanna we had left.

Steve: Magor recently wrote us about the feelings he was having toward his dark, gloomy bathroom, and the way it might be feeding into his Seasonal Affective Disorder. He worried, “I don’t like going in there as much as I feel like I should. There’s no sunlight at all, and I’m the kind of man who needs a lot of affirmation and positivity. I’m just not happy in there.”

We suggested this cheerful curtain to brighten up Magor’s private “me time.”

Two weeks later, we received this affirmation, “Hey. Yeah, this is helping me. My heart is warmer and I think starting my days in my new, sunnier shower is helping the tone of my interactions all day long. At nights, after the gym, I get home and it reminds me of the possibilities for tomorrow.”